3/22/2023 0 Comments
A Love Letter To My Body
I hope you feel moved and inspired - to write one for your body too 💖 💌
With reverence, devotion and love,
Rinka - Elysian on Earth 🌎
8/1/2022 0 Comments
This month- I am excited to set new goals and make the most of each day. I am excited to channel new energies, dream new dreams, and to shift, and align, as needed to create more structure and discipline in my life (masculine yang energy), wherever needed, knowing that doing so- provides fertile soil and stability for my feminine (yin energy) to flow from, grow in and thrive from!
My Day- August 1st-
Today I started off spending plenty of time outside, enjoying tasty treats (farmers market organic sugar cookies, and coffee), stretching, planning my morning and evening rituals for the week, and journaling for the month of August (see below). I decorated my journal cover, and its pages with quotes, magazine cuttings, drawings, calligraphy, stickers and sayings.
Every month I like to journal about:
The Month’s Themes + Affirmation- I repeat it out loud- daily
The Month’s Goals, Reminders, and Intentions
My Creative + Fun To Do List for the Month- where I write ideas and experiences I want to create and make
A Monthly Calendar- with space to write down each day- what I do, accomplish and share
Daily Moon Cycles + My Moods (New this past month)
Seeds planted and watered in faith, love and fun- grow wild, free, abundant in the sun
After lunch, matcha tea, and typing this- I plan on reading Little House on the Prairie, dancing, stretching some more, Doing Duolingo Spanish (I’ve been doing it over a month now), and watching Bambi later, with my boyfriend. Alex and I are currently watching all of the Disney Animated films released in order!
So far we have watched Snow White, Pinocchio, + Dumbo!
Excited for all of the new experiences, bold changes, intentional actions, nostalgic movies, and happy memories to come!
I know life will be amazing because each present moment is a reflection of a brilliant future built in the now.
With a full and excited heart,
Elysian on Earth
6/19/2022 0 Comments
Lessons Learned From My Father
1. Children have a lot to teach you. Just because you are older and more experienced- does not mean that you know it all. Apologize if you are wrong, respect their feelings, and take accountability in the way that your fear, traumas and reactions may harm them. Taking ownership of this allows children to know you too are human- that you too make mistakes- and that instead of defining or restricting yourself by these- it can be used as an opportunity to extend grace, compassion and growth. You do not need to be a perfect person- but it is important to not only be willing to see these things about yourself, but also admit and share them then continue to learn from them too!
2. The spirit world is real. Before I ever had any personal experiences with spirits- my father shared me his! He used to have the spirit of a woman who would come into his bedroom sobbing in the night. One day- he asked her what was wrong- and she finally disappeared. Looking back- I think he was able to gift her something she may not have received in her life- and that is what finally helped her to move on.
3. Give hugs. Love on people. Tell them you are proud and thankful for them. Say it as many times as you can. Remind people how special they are and always share your heart and love with them.
4. Talk to people! You never know who you may meet or connect with in a grocery store, or anywhere in this world. My father has always had this ability to bridge the gaps and awkwardness of so many places, spaces and people. In doing this- he has been rewarded with so much- all because he was brave and caring enough to put himself out there!
5. Take care of your family. In this life- they are your family for a reason- and through you- they are able to experience a love and connection they may not otherwise have found or been a part of in this life or previous! Remember that your parents were once children too- and that although they may know a lot- they don’t know everything. Allow them to learn from you too with love through love- just as you can from them.
6. Forgive- and forgive often. Although this is one I am still working on- I have seen the magic of what can happen (through him) when you find it in your heart to be compassionate, understanding and kind. It gives the gift of healing both for yourself and the other person. However in doing so, be sure to be honest, allow yourself to feel, and keep boundaries as needed so that your relationship with yourself and this person may thrive.
7. Spend time in nature. Learn from her and listen to her. Share your gift and connection to her with others. My father has always been able to tell what kind of animals are around us and has an uncanny and actually superhuman sense and ability to see her beings, messages and patterns. He has always been able to spot so many animals from so far away- and this is a skill and sense I definitely picked up from him!
8. It is in fact possible to see or predict the future. My dad when I was little told me about a reoccurring dream he had of a truck on a highway overturned. He had no idea why it came through and why it kept popping up until one day he saw that same truck overturned on a highway in real life. This made him believe (and me too) that for whatever reason- some of the things that come through to you and that you see- may actually be visions of the future.
9. You are who you allow yourself to be. Despite your past, and maybe in spite of it- you can become something great. You may have never had a good role model- but that doesn’t mean you can’t become what you needed most when you were little. You may have never had a good parent or guiding force growing up- my dad didn’t meet his dad until his 20s, and with his mother he was actually put into foster care at one point- but that doesn’t mean you can’t be amazing for your children when you are older. In fact, taking what you did not receive or get- and gifting that to your children- you are able to transmute the bad into the good and use it to make you a more mindful, loving, and guiding parent.
10. Believe that you have a higher purpose. Although you may not always see it or know what it is- in trusting life and allowing it to breathe through you and guide you- you will find yourself in a place where you never thought possible. In seeing the trajectory and course of my dad’s own life- I am better able to see that the universe when you follow your heart and try your best- can and will help you see, grow, and receive so much love.
11. The gift you give yourself is the gift you give your children. In striving to be better and do better- you create a world where your children are able to learn, grow and experience more. In letting this lead your heart, your actions and your drive- you can and will achieve amazing things for this world.
12. Try new things! You never know what you might like, be good at or find out! My dad is someone who has a wide range of interests and abilities and it so cool to see them all blossom within one person. I love that he is silly, but serious. I love that he is wise but also childlike. It is even cooler that despite any fears or limitations you may think you may have- you can achieve things you thought were once impossible for you! (Ie: becoming a master chief in the Navy even though when you graduated you could hardly read or write). In being brave and confident enough to go after and accomplish these things- you show and model to others what is possible!
13. Say yes- reach out to others, and stay in contact. Allow people to give to you- and be open to receiving! You never know where this can and will take you! And you never know who may need your presence or being in their life.
14. Give your children freedom to be who they are even if you cannot understand or if it is different than what you may have known, been taught or expected! In being open to their teachings- you grow, learn, and heal so much too!
15. Follow your heart and your interests! This is the compass of life that helps you to create a life full of love, amazing experiences and a heart full of gratitude.
16. Communicate your feelings, your experiences and what you know with others! In embodying and modeling and sharing this- you become the bridge for so much wisdom, growth and connection.
17. Say what you mean and do as you say! This is what allows people to have faith in you and follow your leadership and decisions.
18. Do what you’re good at and allow others the opportunity to do what they’re good at too! In doing so- you are able to achieve way more than you ever could or would alone.
19. Be relentless in the pursuit of what you want. When he first met my mother- he knew it was her. Although she was 3 years older, they didn’t speak the same language (she spoke Japanese), had a daughter and was still healing from her last marriage and a man who turned out to not be what he could have been- he pursued and persisted- and now, together, they have created a family so full of love, joy and cuteness - I thank my stars, God, and the Goddess for bringing them and all of us together as one.
20. Don’t let age or experience or fear hold you back. If it is calling you- trust it- and give it all you got.
With all of my love and wishing all fathers everywhere a Happy Father’s Day!
Rinka aka Elysian on Earth
When the day started, I had no idea where it would lead me. Meeting God (again) was not a part of my conscious mind’s thoughts- or plan for that day- and I certainly did not think I was going to die! (Again LOL) .
But before we get to that part, let’s rewind to the year 2019.
The day started like any other day. I got up and the sun was shining brightly. I made breakfast, then spent some time outside- breathing, stretching- loving on and grounding my body. The night ahead featured a full moon in Taurus , after all, (my sun sign) - which brings in energies of love and warmth all packed behind the headstrong head butt of the bull- (who as I’m now realizing will head butt you so hard- from the inside out and the outside in- that your ego, shadow, thoughts and fears have no other choice but to completely subside). It’s funny because writing this now and reflecting back- I think what it showed me is that my ego self, my Taurus sun, needed the absolute MOST to wake up and realize what happened, who I am, and what will happen. And it’s even funnier looking back now- since I just realized that the last time I met God- was also a Taurus full moon.
Coincidence? I think THE FUCK NOT!!!! Can’t wait to continually to meet God every Taurus full moon now hehe. But anyways—-continuing on.
That day, my best friend, soul sister and roommate, Lindsi, and I decided we would have some friends over to dance- to pull cards- and to journal for the moon! We invited a few friends as the darkness began to creep upon us- and invited in the potent magic of mushrooms. It was fun, we were laughing, and we were dancing. I only took 1 gram of shrooms- small enough that I considered it a micro dose. I figured it would just enhance or add to the fun of this reality- and it did for a while.
At the time we had just gotten a pole in our living room - and we were all taking turns spinning and trying new tricks. It was so much fun to do especially with pole being a childhood dream of mine come true. (I had always wanted one after watching Jenyne Butterfly’s Dog Days are Over performance in middle school- and if you haven’t seen it- and have no idea who or what I’m talking about- I highly recommend- it’s a go ahead and even take a break then come back and read this good hehe- that woman is AMAZING).
We played music, we talked, and we walked outside underneath the warmth of the Arizona night sky. At one point, we sat in the grass outside of my apartment and just looked up to the moon. And like many times before, me and another girl (at least one typically) saw the same thing! For some reason- Lindsi and I saw what looked like a Trump like figure grabbing the moon. We both got the feeling that it almost seemed as if he was taking it or harnessing it? We didn’t know what to think of it- and it was strange that without talking- we had come to the same conclusion when we decided to bring it up. (There’s still a lot of things that I have seen and experienced that I do not understand the implications or meaning of and am still trying to piece together- if you have any thoughts while reading this please share them down below!!)
During our time outside- I remember also having an overwhelming sensation of intense anger looking up at the moon. What I was angry about? That someone had put me in such a TINY little DEMANDING AND NEEDY BODY who needs to pee SOOO MUCH. I remember being offended that they had contained so much power- into such a tiny little body. I felt as if it did not and could not match! As I stared down at the moon accusingly- I questioned why- why why. Little did I know- I would soon find out the answer.
As we moved inside- I remember, Lindsi and another one of our friends started to feel ill- I think looking back now- they probably felt the energies of the other girls and the overall moon- overlapped as one- quite strongly- so I remember them retreating into her room and resting for the rest of the night!
This then left me, with two other girls- (whom I will not name- for privacy)- still up and active for the night. This is where it starts to become dark and blurry a bit for me. I remember we took a three way bath, where all we did was sit in the tub sitting side by side talking (in the dark) as we listened to music and felt the water and sound wash over us. After that, we went to the apartment hot tub (which we actually ended up getting kicked out of by the very MEAN security guard- who was not happy we were in there past hours). He had and sent a lot of hateful and vindictive energy towards us that terrified us all! The type of energy that goes on and on and just doesn’t stop. After heading back into the apartment safely (thank God), I remember we decided to put on something and just lay in my bed to try to relax. I think at some point we just cuddled, listened to music and continued talking. This is when stuff started to get really intense and scary for me.
I kept noticing things repeating, cycling. I felt my sense of self slipping and an overwhelming sense of fear and panic make its way through me. I didn’t know what was happening. I started moving things around. I would grab one thing from around my room, put it on the ground: then I’d pick it up again, and place it in another spot for no apparent reason. I think I felt if I stayed active and busy- what was going on didn’t mean anything. But as the movements and my placements became more random and frantic, I began to do a loop. I would lay down, look at my phone, get up, turn on the light, turn off the light, walk around the apartment and then do it again. Looking back, I think I was stuck in my own personal hell, a projected negative thought spiral and loop that overtook my whole mind and body. It honestly felt like I couldn’t get out of it- no matter how hard I tried.
Each time I got back to the bed, I would feel as if I was actually being pulled backward down into the bed and when I would close my eyes, I saw a green portal of darkness that almost seemed alive. It beckoned me closer and closer, and it seemed as if it was pulling me in. Each time I got closer and closer, I got more and more terrified. I didn’t know what it was or what it was trying to do. So I would snap back up (it took all my strength to) and repeat the loop again. I’d look at my phone, which somehow was playing the same song, over and over again. No matter if I changed or skipped it, it was always the same. So, I’d get up again, try and move things around, walk around, turn on the light, turn off the light. My moves became more frantic, desperate. I think in some way, I was trying to stay in this reality. I didn’t want to leave it. I was terrified. I thought I was dying and that I was going to die. At this point I was all fear and panic- a body walking around over and over. Although I could consciously recognize what I was doing was strange- I couldn’t stop.
Eventually one of the times during my time in my room- I asked the two girls I was with if I could go outside. They said no. I asked why not and they just said it wasn’t safe and that I should say stay here. I accept it then asked what was happening next. They said nothing, we are here just laying down. I then repeated and asked if we could do something else, they said no- let’s just stay in the room. They seemed to be normal- but I didn’t feel normal at all. Nothing about it felt normal.
At this point I started to get frightened. It didn’t seem like they were listening to me or actually cared. I started to think they were entities keeping me stuck in this pattern, this loop, this room, this night, that I couldn’t get out of. I was terrified. I was in my room, but it didn’t feel safe anymore. It was cold, a dark room I could not leave. Their presence felt slightly heavy, confusing, suffocating and controlling for whatever reason- I kept fighting the green tunnel - fighting the loop- staying in bed- asking them question after question (and the same couple questions I think too) but what finally did it for me was when I asked for my boyfriend Alex, the girls I was with said he was not here. I asked why not and they said he was far away. I asked why I couldn’t see him. And they said because he was gone- not here. In my confused, terrified and childlike state, I took this as him being dead. Or that I was the one who was dead- that I was stuck in this room and that I could never or would never see him again- and that idea absolutely tore me in two. Anything that I had left holding me onto this realm- severed, and I let go. I sat on the bed and the tunnel I had been fighting so hard against had pulled me in- I had nothing in me to fight anymore.
At this point, the two girls who I was with, were so terrified and so so sooo confused. Frantic and unsure what to do (considering we were close but not really that close) they grabbed Lindsi- who I thank my stars everyday for putting into my life. They told her that I was not there, that something was wrong.
Lindsi immediately sprung to action. She grabbed me and moved me into the bathroom away from everyone. She told me based upon how I was acting it almost seemed as if I had gone into psychosis- that I was there- but also not really. At this point (which I had no idea) everyone had gone home- leaving just me and her.
I remember I was sitting on the toilet half in and half out of consciousness. During it, I remember I couldn’t stop peeing. I peed A LOT. AN INHUMAN amount. It didn’t make sense. None of it did. This was the last thing I remember- was sitting on the toilet.
The next thing I know, it is pitch black. I have no idea where I am- but I know I still am. I can’t see a thing- hear a thing. But somehow, I am still conscious- able to think? I ask where I am and nothing happens. I ask who I am- and for a second- horrified- I realize I have no idea. No idea at all. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all.
As I begin to panic, cry- realizing I am truly alone- the sound “Rinka” bubbles up to the surface like a child’s cry. At first I have no idea what this word means when suddenly, I remember it is a name- my name! In a flash- as quick as it had gone- memories as Rinka and all the time I had already lived begin to flash before my eyes. I fear that I actually have died- after all, I see and hear no one but myself - and I have no idea where I actually am.
Shaking in this strange and dark place, I begin to realize that Rinka is me, but that she is not all I am. Looking down I remember feeling I had a body of some sort but not really- not here. As I continue thinking harder and longer- I realize Rinka is the name of my current form on Earth. I realize she is terrified. That I am here and she is there. But I have no idea where here is. At this point, I think and believe I died. I accepted death and was ready to move on and let go- but it didn’t end here.
What I saw next was all white. I remember feeling another presence whom I recognized as God (after all, I had met him once before)- and after being in the dark in lord knows where- I was so so sooo sooo glad to see him again. After all, I love him so so so soooo much and he has felt more like home and more like me than anything else I have ever known or been by. This time, however, instead of seeing him still conscious in our world, I was in his.
In this place, things are different but so clear. We talked but we had no mouths? We spoke but with no sounds. We were separate but had no form? It was almost an inherent knowing-telepathy of some sorts? Energy speaking to energy? Consciousness speaking to consciousness. I could see him but I couldnt at the same time? For some reason even though the details are hard to see- I remember we were sitting at a table- but it was more images and a feeling than anything actual physical.
At this table, we had so much in front of us. I remember arguing with him. I remember telling him, she’s not going to like that! Especially if we’re sending her down in that form or with that specific trait. I realized quickly we were sitting down planning my life as Rinka. I had entered the past- the time before I came down onto Earth. In this space, I already knew what my ego as Rinka, could or could not handle- her challenges- her fears. We discussed what I would look like, where I would be born, and where I would go. We discussed who my family would be, working within the designs of what was already there (on Earth) and had been already been created.
We discussed who I would meet, how I would meet them, and many other key points that we connected as we worked through the “linear” path of Rinka’s life. We discussed who else we should send down and what forms they should come in. We discussed how long certain people would be in her life and a plethora of other things. There were some points we discussed and contested on for a while, but I wasn’t going to back down when I knew. Why push so hard- if she (Rinka) broke- and then we couldn’t do what we needed to do. It needed to be just enough.
Other points were incredibly easy- joyfully easy, lovingly easy. We giggled in glee as we planned the key points of this new life to come. We knew she would be happy, loved, grateful and accepted. She would feel connected ultimately, and we would support her always, even if she couldn’t see or always remember. At this point, I as a consciousness realized just how much God not only loved me, but also respected me and listened to me. I loved him, and he loved me. Together- we wanted the best for Rinka- for me. And although that best sometimes looked different, we always talked and came to an agreement that we both felt good about. As this joyful camaraderie and deep companionship soaked in, suddenly the scene fast forwarded.
I remember feeling farther and farther from God. The separation and the space was painful. I did not want to leave. How could I leave him? And how could he let me leave him too? I remember at this point, trying to cling to him, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to leave. I started second guessing it all. Couldn’t I stay? Did I truly need to go down again? Although we had planned so intensively and extensively- I didn’t want to go. (This made me chuckle and laugh considering all that transpired to get me to this place in the first place- and how badly Rinka too didn’t want to leave or go through the tunnel that brought me to him and this space in the first place).
Another realization I made in this was that some things about your soul stay the same. Your soul regardless of its forms or new body- or even the time or the era- still carries the same energetic signature. I have always been naturally outspoken and brave (even in the face of God hehe). However with this power also came an uncertainty. I was nervous it wouldn’t work, we had after all, I realized done this before (and not every time was successful). Sometimes- I got sent back early. Sometimes- I didn’t feel ready to go.
As I clung on tighter and tighter, fighting with all of my might, my throat and heart burned. I wanted to cry. To scream. The pain spread throughout my whole body like a depression. I realized that the pain I was feeling was not only mine, but also his. He was terrified just as I. I remember looking at him and him looking at me. At the moment- I felt like a vulnerable- raw and wild animal. And just when I least expected it, he kicked me. LIKE ACTUALLY FUCKING SPARTA KICKED ME. I screamed and fell down, down, down, down. And as I watched the space between us separate more and more - he gave me a gift, a lifeline to pass the time and soften the shock. Similar to how I had seen Rinka’s life flash before my eyes, I saw every lifetime of mine flash etched before my eyes so quickly, so rapidly. I saw it all, stretched across time, all at once. Through it all, even though I experienced hurt and pain, I also experienced love. A love and knowing so deep I had nothing but gratitude.
Somehow, someway, even if I got nervous or scared along the way, or even in the end, it always worked out. I was aways at peace looking back upon my life. I knew I gave every single one, the best I could. And that sometimes, most times, the times I left early were so that others could learn. That he and I together, had done the best that we could. And although we could plan- we could not protect me from everything. This was something I knew inherently- but I was also gifted another gift: I knew that any harm that befell me- never actually hurt me. (It just hurt the idea of who I thought I was at the time).
Even still, I will admit I was VERY salty for a long time that he kicked me down. For 3 years actually. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t have just talked it through like we had talked everything else through. Why the HELL did he have to KICK me? Even though it was God, it was FUCKING RUDE. It’s only recently (about a month ago) I understand why he did what he had to do. Prior to this, I was ready to go and give him a piece of mind when I saw him next. And I knew he would listen because he already KNEWWWW how upset I would be- yet he still did it. He knew my wrath, my anger, and yet he still did it. After thinking for a while, my heart and mind softened. I remembered it hurt him just as much, if not more to send me down- to a place we both know had not always been kind or good to me, or to us. He was terrified just as I was, but it was important for me to come down. I knew this and he knew this.
The reason for this? I was and am one of the few people who are able to ascend and descend all the realms as rapidly as I can, and I am also one of the few people who is able to handle and to hold all of his light, his shadow and his might in this world and all others as well. (Just as he can for me too hehe) We loved each other and we love each other violently- passionately. In some sense, I felt I was his equal, his mirror, his reflection, his partner. I was his companion, his lover, his wife, his other half. I remember it was just as painful as it was for him as it was for me (Possibly even more so- since he knew and we knew the harm that would and could befall me (Rinka) and this body here- especially being so tiny and cute hehe. 😉
Realizing this soothed my seething anger enough to let more clarity in. It wasn’t him who wanted that for me, nor did he plan on or want to kick me down.
After planning a life for myself as Rinka, I didn’t have the time to hesitate or wait- and neither did he. It was time. Had we waited any longer- I would have missed the window to come down. I think it was because my mom was ready to have a child- and it was time for me to enter into her and be born her child- as Rinka- just as we had planned. If I missed this window- it would have shifted everything else- so even though we wanted more time together, it was important for me to go now, in order for everything else we had planned after to happen.
At this point, I remember landing softly back into my body as Rinka. I remember blinking my eyes. I was still on the toilet, Lindsi in front of me. Her bright eyes were concerned but loving. As my eyes cleared and my energy settled back into the heaviness and denseness of this realm- I saw and felt her sweet face, soul and body visibly relax. I had not realized how tense and scared she too had gotten. She told me that she was talking to me throughout it all- but it was like it wasn’t me. She told me I even asked her where Alex was. She had to explain he was in Wisconsin and that we were in a long distance relationship. She later also told me at one point that she had said she wanted her Rinka back - to which I- she- my body- replied- “She is in there and she will be back”.
I had no recollection of this- and it further just confirmed that the soul and the body are not one- but in life they can be.
As I looked at her, my heart shined with love. I was so so soooo thankful for her. She was the one person at the time (besides God) that I trusted with my life. She was the one other person after all, who had seen and felt God when I did the first time in 2018 on the Taurus full moon. And now- here again a year later- we were at it again- just deeper this time- remembering more this time. I realized I couldn’t and wouldn’t have been able to do it without her and all of her love and light guiding me and holding me through it all. She was my guide, my love, my light that helped me home- she was the doala who helped me to rebirth and refind myself.
My heart swelled - I loved her and love her so so so much and I trust her so so sooo much. With my life. With the plan. With it all.
Lindsi and I to this day have never seen anyone pee that much. 😂 No shit- the ratio of water intake to pee that came out made no sense. (Especially if you know how tiny I am- I’m about 5’3 and 103lbs). I think in some way I was channeling a lot of energy, and in return, the heavier, darker energies I was holding onto needed to come out and be cleared in order for me to be light enough to travel. That came out of me- as pee. Think ayahuasca- and how people puke- that was me on shrooms just peeing instead. It’s also funny and absolutely hilarious to think you can experience something so magical and so divine- all the while sitting somewhere- like a toilet- butt ass naked.
I remember also that during the time when I was in and out of consciousness still, trying to grasp all that happened- where I had gone and where I was again- she would ask me questions about anything and everything. Somehow she knew intuitively how to help guide me back into my body all the whole still holding onto all of this information. She gently re-guided me back into this reality. She asked me who my favorite student was (I was a teacher at the time), she asked me what my favorite class was, and other questions that would root me back into this realm, this body, this life. When I asked what I knew- she told me I knew everything. Shocked, I remember repeating- in a small, and tiny, awe filled voice- everything? She nodded seriously- her green eyes shining at me.
I let this sink in a moment and realized it really was true. I really did know everything and so many things , some how and someway, in ways I can’t even explain- they just are- and I know. And I knew I knew. I remember crying, shaking- I was so happy to be back but also I missed where I was. I missed God. I missed him. Knowing I hesitated at the last second was something that terrified me (and like I said made me mad at God who SPARTA kicked me down here). But I also was relieved- I knew what I had waiting for me after- was even more than I could possibly imagine or dream- that I had gotten a small glimpse and taste of what comes in between and after this life. I also felt calm, more centered in my life- now realizing and fully recognizing the level of thought and care put into creating my life. (Of course there is free will and other entities and energies that do and can influence our plan). For a second too- I was sad- how could I forget? Him? Us? The work we’ve done and the work we continue to do? I felt guilty- sad- until I realized this is all according to plan. And it didn’t matter I forgot, because I remembered. I remembered. I remembered. Like I always would- like I always will. In every life time- in every age. No matter what forces work against me or us, no matter what happens to me. I will always remember- because I have been encoded to and I have chosen to.
Looking back, I believe I broke into the 9th dimension and farther. I transcended time and space. In traveling through the portal hole seeded within me, that was specifically designed to open on that specific night with the light of the full moon above shining a path for me- and Lindsi beside me here (holding it DOWN) in the Earth realm-I traveled to my life between lives (a concept talked about in the Newton Institute’s Life Between Lives- a book I ironically picked up at the Renaissance faire with Lindsi and her mom) 😂.
I think the reason for this night- this experience this travel- is because like in every lifetime before, it was and is important for me to remember. It was and is important for me to speak out. It was and is important for me to spread my visions and my word. It was and is important for me to speak my truth and share it with the world, no matter what fears I have, or no matter if I think it’s ready or I’m ready or not. Because even if it’s not all of it, I can touch parts and beings here that plant seeds that spread farther than you can ever see or realize with your human eyes. In taking human form, I realize it is sometimes easier to be here as the divine embodied and do some things than it is when you are in the astral realm in your astral form!
Furthermore- during this this time, I was lacking a lot of clarity. I was confused. I was second guessing pretty much all of my decisions and It had been a while since I felt God. I think in the heaviness and darkness surrounded this realm- it is easy to get lost, confused, and in some ways go back to sleep again. The physical form and physical realm are so strong- it almost makes it seem like any experience before this- no matter how vivid or real- is some far away dream- when it’s not- it’s just right there- waiting patiently for the right moment to reveal itself and all its magic to you!
With that looking back and reflecting on this with everything I know now, I know that even 1 gram of shrooms can be a lot (especially if you’re energetically sensitive- and it’s a full moon LOL). Please note: I had taken up to 4g in the past- and had done it multiple times by this point- and had not had an experience like this- so to have it on 1g was definitely not what I expected at the beginning of the night!!! But that’s the thing about plant medicine- it opens you up- it takes you where it wants to take you- and it truly is connected to Mother Earth, our father in the sky and more.
I also realized how important it is for people who work with plant medicine to know what they are doing and the effects of it in case something like this does happen! Luckily I was surrounded by by best friend and legit telepathic guide and communicated healer- Lindsi- who did not take me to the hospital (God knows what would have happened if she did).
I also realized how important it is also to surround yourself with people you feel safe with through and through. (Writing this now- 3 years later, with only Lindsi lasting the test of time of the girls who were over that night- I am so thankful for her- and I am so happy I have continued to vet who I surround myself with- especially since I know I am important here- and the less energy clouding my clarity the better).
I realized also on this night how words can be confusing. I’m an English education major- I taught English for 2 years and I still find myself so tripping up on words! It’s actually wild how one thing can make so much sense to one person- but mean something completely different for someone else! (Especially when applied through the filter of their ego, their experience, their trauma, their projections and their fears) For example, words and phrases like he is not here- can be completely misinterpreted and miscommunicated- especially on drugs and especially when you don’t trust deep down who you are with. What makes sense to one person- may not make sense to another. What touches one person- may not touch another the same way.
After this experience, I noticed that try to not judge or shame my choices (although it still does happen from time to time when fear or my human mind takes over at times. But for the most part, I trust and know myself and my heart as being led by God and the light and the highest good of all (Just like I have in every lifetime before). I trust and know my higher vision (even when my human mind can’t see or understand it all). I trust the Goddess and I trust God. I trust the people I have picked and I trust my path. I trust that following it and them, will lead me to a life full of love, knowledge, light and gratitude that I have experienced in every lifetime before (even the traumatic ones/ and the early ended ones). I knew that what we had created for me was amazing beyond measure- after all, it had to be to get ME to come down here again. 😂 (You can bet your ass I did not just go through ALLL of that time and time again in so many lives just to live a shit life- absolutely FUCKING NOT. This was the life that all my other lives were building up to. I had been planning and planting seeds for it- for so long.
Coming out of this experience realizing I am more than just Rinka, realizing there is more to life than just here, that there is in fact a before and an after was huge for me. After all, ever since I was a little girl (at the young age of 4- 5- 6- 7) I already wondered where we all went to after. Closing my eyes seeing darkness and imagining nothingness and decaying in the ground didn’t seem or feel right. I didn’t know if there would be a hell or a heaven, but I didn’t think it just ended just like that. I tried not to think about it but every night before I went to bed, the feelings and the thoughts would come up- as it did again during my spiritual awakening in 2018. And finally in 2019- I had my answer to what I had been seeking since I was little.
Looking back, I’m remembering more and more of my childhood now and I realize that this is not the first time I have died inside and won. This is not the first time I have thought I have died and come back. In fact, I think I have died and continue to die over and over even while alive (I think we all do in different ways whether consciously or subconsciously)- and perhaps I will write about this another time. The biggest irony of it all comes in the fact, that we are indeed living and dying at the same time. 😉
With that, my current understanding is that there is a divine feminine and a divine masculine force in this world. I think in this realm it is represented by Mother Earth and Father Sky. In that realm it is the Goddess and God. In this realm, we too mirror and reflect the divine feminine and masculine within us and around us.
But of course, these are not the only forces that exist in this world. There are forces that come from below, above, inside, and around. Some are what formed the original human and body. Some of it is a reptilian like force. Others more mammalian. Some of it is demonic. Some of it is angelic. Some of it is primal and primitive (like the human body, and the earth, and the animals) and some of it is quick, advanced and light. Each has its own energetic signature and each have impacted humanity for hundreds if not millions of years. (And in case you didn’t already know or think it by now- I like many others don’t believe the history we have been told is accurate).
Although I am not sure of the origins of each and them all- I do know that together- they work together to create and form this planet and all dimensions in, above, and around it.
Typing this now, I am still working out my own understanding on how the realms form and work as well as all of the beings in them. One thing I know for sure though is that I look forward to exploring and researching and learning and channeling this information more and more to all of you!
Writing this in 2022, 3 years later from the experience, feels surreal, and time itself is definitely a funny thing. Sometimes it passes by quickly, and sometimes it passes by slowly. Some of it feels like forever ago, and some things feel like you’ll never forget. But I think the important thing to know through it all, is that who we are cannot be touched nor tampered nor harmed by time and space. We are infinite, other worldly, and worldly. We are human and the divine woven into one. We are the dance of the light and the shadow, and many of us have been here and many other places time and time again.
I believe that we can commune with God and the Goddess directly or indirectly. I believe we can time travel. I believe we can astral project. I believe we can remote view. I believe in guides, angels, demons, reptilians, animals, and etc being embodied in human bodies because I am a non human being in a human body myself.
I believe in telepathy and a lot of other magical powers that are waiting to be birthed from our being and our duality here in this presence space and time now- we simply just need to awaken to it. Plus the more and more of us that do- the more and more of us that slip through and lift the veil- the less dense, scary and intimidating it all becomes. For if you knew the power that lies within you- you would be having all the fun hehe.
With that- I hope in writing this, that it brings you peace, clarity, awakening, hope and reassurance on your journey. I hope it reminds you that you are on fact on the right path-and that you can in fact trust your senses. I hope it reminds you that in following your heart- honoring your feelings- and realizing you are a multidimensional being having a human experience- that the experience becomes a lot easier and a lot more fun.
In being able to ride the waves with a greater understanding and more awareness, the less we project our pain, the less we continue patterns that no longer serve the human kind, and the more we tune into what is true, and awaken to the magic that has always been all around and inside of you!!
I also know that the more of us that remember- the better. There are a lot of subconscious and unseen forces that touch and work through us even now- and I also truly feel that we are at a cusp- a critical point in humanity’s timeline where many things are shifting and changing at a rapid speed. Although many people are just now waking up, I know many of us have been awake for a while- and I hope that in releasing this to the world, something that has been asking to come through for a while (but I lacked maybe the discipline, focus, and confidence to share it) that the right people find it and me.
I hope if you are reading this that you feel affirmed and honored on your path. I hope you know you are supported by beings far greater than you can ever imagine and that you are not alone. I, the Goddess and God are forever walking with you- and we love you and see you, your wild and pure heart’s desires and your most magical and mystical dreams. Trust that there is a higher path and power and sight within you and around you- at all times- and see yourself and it through- with all of your love, faith and dedication. And finally, if you knew you were supported by the whole universe- what would you do? 😉
With love, light, and clarity
Elysian on Earth
5/13/2022 0 Comments
My 25th Birthday-5/12-Taurus Style
Today I am reflecting on my birthday!🍰
I am feeling as dreamy, blessed, and abundant as the spring awakening outside and decided to capture and express gratitude for my day and life! With that, this post will cover an overview of my day, snapshots, 25 things I am grateful for, what I received (practicing feminine energy) 🌸 and more! In typical Taurus style- my day will be pleasurable, blissful, and sweet as every day of my divine life! In writing this, I hope I am able to remember and commemorate my life and days more- and be able to read this in the years to come!🌿
With that- thank you so much for tuning in, and reading my blog! Let’s get started:
My Birthday ITINERARY
25 Things I am Grateful For
1. My life- I am so proud of my journey and my experiences and learning so far- I haven’t given up and continue to look towards the horizon with bright eyes, an open heart and more faith!
2. Honey chan- I am so thankful to have met my partner and best friend so early in life- we’ve made so many amazing memories together and continue to make more each and every day. He helps me be a better me while also loving all of me- the good- the bad- the sweet- the sour hehe. We have the same hopes and values and visions in life, and I cannot wait to see what we can create and do when two people like us come together!
3. My siblings- I am so thankful to have the cutest, creative, most coolest siblings ever. I love them so much and was basically born with built in best friends. Even if apart- we are close together in heart- and they inspire me and make me so proud!
4. My parents- I love my parents so much. Beyond what words can ever capture or say. They have gone through so much, have done so much, and taught me (and continue to) teach me so much. They are the cutest most loving people ever- and I am so happy and thankful I come from a couple like them!
5. My coven- I can’t imagine a world without my sisters- Lindsi and Drea. Spiritually awakening is beautiful and soooo amazing (but also incredibly tough and painful at times as we face the scariest, darkest parts of ourselves and others). They have shown me my light and loved me through the deepest of nights. I am truly so happy and thankful I have created, called in and nurtured these connections throughout all time with them- in every form and in every manifestation. Happy to be doing another cycle on Earth with these two- and can’t wait to continue shining our light and weaving magic throughout this realm and all dimensions!
6. Mother Earth- I love her so so so sooo much. She is beautiful beyond measure and stronger beyond what we can even imagine. She holds, gives, and withstands so much- and is still as stunning as ever. She has persevered throughout all time- and continues to love and show me the way. She surprises me with her magic and opens me up from the inside out. She helps me see myself - and how I reflect her ever being in my nature.
7. My body- I am beyond thankful for my body. She is what allows me to be here, typing, feeling, being now. She has carried me through everything. Shown up for everything. Keeps trying despite it all. Has gone through hell and back. Teaches me to slow down and to tune in. And she is so stunning, strong, and flexible. I promise to do all I can to support, love and nurture her- so that we may have a long and loving journey together!
8. My connection and commitment to spirit, life, learning. Even when it’s tough, I haven’t given up! I love reading and learning new ways of seeing, being and perceiving. My eyes, heart and body have opened up so much throughout the years- and I cannot wait to see the whole course and trajectory of where this devotion and curiosity can and will continue to take me!
9. Reciprocal, uplifting and loving relationships that I don’t have to question! People who see all of me, and love me day in and day out. People who fight everything inside of their hearts and minds to become the best them they can be- so we can have the most authentic, true, and amazing experiences together.
10. My inner child- I am thankful for her for being so sweet. She teaches me empathy, patience, love. She teaches me I deserve it all- at all times. She teaches me that I am a special being, and the most important thing I can do is nurture within this myself. I love her- I love her- I love her. She is so pure, bright and imaginative! Curious, intelligent and so beautiful.
11. My creativity- I love the many ways I am able to express myself. Whether that is through dance, writing, painting, talking, or more. It is so cool to be able to take a piece of me and make it into something tangible and “concrete”.
12. Technology- How cool is it that we are able to span time and space through it? In some form- with us being in age of aquarius a time of progression, advancements and change- it makes sense we are able to do it. In some form, it is a man made external way of time or space traveling- (it is possible in my experiences to also do this within yourself through meditation) without even leaving your own place, body or space.
13. The sky- I love the clouds and the sun and the ever changing nature of it all. I love the rainbow light and the energy that holds and caresses us all.
14. Cute clothes, accessories and items made by other people! I love seeing people do what they love and create what they feel called to! This world wouldn’t be what it is without the efforts of many- and I am happy there are people who do what they do, so I can do what I love to do also!
15. My growing awareness and consciousness- Every year I feel more blessed, lucky and at peace. For being only 25, I look forward to continuing to embody Elysian on Heaven on Earth more and more in the years to come.
16. My growing recognition of power- I love that I am understanding how to work with and align energies more and more. I love that I can feel and heal my chakras and call in things through them! I am excited and grateful knowing that when I lead with my heart and process through my belly - and energy centers- that I am in union with the divine- and that she supports me in living, breathing and weaving her dreamings through me.
17. My connection to all of the goddesses- her many faces and essences captivate and inspire me. I look forward to connecting with and learning about all of her meany embodiments so that I may further channel and nurture the awakening of the goddess within me.
18. Trying new things. I am so happy for all the things out there to experience! For example, today I will be going to Milwaukee and taking myself out on a date! (And how appropriate because it’s Friday- which is a day ruled by the planet of love, Venus!)
19. Sunny days- feels like to soak up the sun and feel it kindle the light and fire within my heart, body and belly!
20. Trees- If you’ve never hugged or held a tree- I highly recommend. Trees have been through so much and have a lot to teach us! They have been one of my biggest guides and lovers in life- and for that I am eternally grateful.
21. Fresh air- feels so good, and tastes so good! Breathing deeply and mindfully has helping me to release and let go of so much. And I can’t wait to continue working on and practicing breath work!
22. Change- although it frightens me and scares me and makes me uncomfortable- I know that all of the changes in my life have brought me to where I am now! Change is renewing, refreshing and exciting! It allows for new experiences, things, and people to flow into your life - and embracing change (knowing that it is coming for your highest good and knowing that you can get through anything that comes your way)- is the most amazing feeling.
23. Journaling- I love getting my thoughts out on paper, and being able to look back at it all! I have a lot to say/ and a lot I think about, so this is just one way to get it out somewhere other than just holding it all in! (It’s way too much to contain in this tiny little body lol)
24. Plants- I love my cutie plant babies! They light up my day and I love when they grow. Some of them have even traveled across the country from me (and all the plants I have are given to me by people I love- ex Alex’s mom, my mom, and Alex!)
25. All of you!!! Thank you for being here as who you are now! From the bottom of my heart- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! For all coming together to make my day and life so special, amazing and great!
Wishing you all a Happy Friday the 13th and even more wonderful weekend!
Go out there and go get ‘em tiger!
Elysian on Earth
5/10/2022 0 Comments
Reflecting on 23
5/10/2022 0 Comments
Reflecting on 24
Another year has passed, and tomorrow I turn 25! It’s crazy to think about, especially because my 23rd birthday just felt like yesterday. Looking back at my post from last year- although some things stay constant and flow with time- A LOT has shifted and moved all around me and within me this year. To start, I’m in a whole new state and will be celebrating with my boyfriend and his family this year! I’m back in my hometown (6 years later) - makes me giggle since it feels like some sort of heroine’s journey) and this is the part where I’m back to the beginning with a renewed attitude- only to begin another heroic journey of epic proportions😂. After all, I’m in the cusp and in the middle of huge changes unfolding in my life. My biggest, most daring and exciting move is on the horizon yet! I’ve let go of some people along the way- and I’ve also deepened my relationships with others. I’ve learned that release is inevitable and that it is in fact, even essential to your growth! I learned a lot about what I desire and don’t in life. I learned a lot more about what I deserve to have in my life as well as what I don’t. I have continued to put myself first- more and more. I have continued to shift and put my energy into things, places and people, that nurture and uplift me. They love me as I love them. And although I am far from my family and my friends, I feel more surrounded by their love than ever.💖
From where I stand here now, I stand concreted and supported by the knowing that the people who stand in my life beside and with me now, have been there for me through it all- through thick and thin- through good times and hard times- through the light and especially through the dark- and for that I am eternally grateful. Reflecting on last year and this year, what I am especially grateful for is that I get to live this life surrounded by and with so many beautiful people along the way. I am so thankful that the people in my life share the same love for growth, connection, understanding, and time with Mother Earth. I am so thankful that their paths before them, seem inherently and ever tangled and connected to mine. I am so lucky to have created so many memories and can’t wait to continue making even more. At 24- and almost 25, feeling this way, I feel incredibly blessed, and somehow, someway, I know, it can and will continue to get better than this. Somehow, and someway, year by year, life surprises me more and more, and I fall in love in more ways than one.
So with that, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on some of my 24th year- celebrating it for all it has shown me- writing about some lessons learned, my favorite memories, key milestones of this year- as well as wishes for the year 25 🦋
Main Lessons Learned🌈
Career: Stopped teaching, started an Only Fans😋
Worked at a cute small sister owned boutique, then worked my first serving job in Scottsdale, Arizona
REA Crystals gaining traction and making way more sales than ever before 💎
Elysian on Earth is growing- people have started commenting on my blog and I’m starting to see the ripple effects of my musings, writings and thoughts and that makes me so happy. If you’re reading this- know I appreciate you and love you!
Creativity: Made my first candle and resin art with my sister.
Painted Virgo, Leo and Taurus! (She’s almost done- aiming to complete her by the end of this season so about 9 more days)- I can’t wait to unveil her and show you guys more and more of my art in the years to come! Gemini season is next- who’s excited? (Cause I am beyond excited to challenge myself and paint TWINS!)
Created and planned shoots like no other- a literal dream come true, I have always loved photography and art. I think capturing the feminine form is so intimately beautiful and I can’t wait to continue to do more!
Began wire wrapping crystals and pendants again (see my Etsy store for pendants charged in the New Moon in Taurus + Solar Ecplise) and for that extra love love 💕😉
I am no longer afraid to show or be my self, I no longer feel limited or judged by my job/career and that feels so amazing. I feel free to be me and am getting better at shifting my perspectives and negative thought patterns/cycles as they come! For that I am so thankful, and so so sooo proud. Although this is something I am still working on, I am so proud of myself and all of my growth. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been beyond worth it to be authentic and unafraid.
I am getting way better at setting boundaries, communicating when it’s hard, letting go when I need, focusing on what I can control and loving myself harder! This made some people who were not meant to stay fall away, but for the people meant to continue on- I felt cheered on as they welcomed, loved and embraced this more true side of myself as I learned to support myself and my own growth more and more.
Really nurtured and deepened my relationship with my soul sister Drea- I am so thankful for her presence in my life each and every day. Her and Lindsi are my lovers for life 🥲 I wouldn’t be who I am without them, nor would this world be what it is without them.
Started working out more- this is in huge part inspired by both Drea and Lindsi too. Shoutout to them for being the fit, sexy goddesses they are and lighting the way for all others- just by doing their thang! 🌿
My parents moved to Arizona (as did my older sister and little brother)! I spent as much time with them as I could before moving- and although bittersweet in moving- I know that when I visit them, they’ll all be together (and considering my family is usually all over the place- this is HUGE!) I look forward to the next time I visit since we’ll be able to explore all my favorite spots as well as all the spots I still want to visit all together too!
After 6 years in Arizona- I moved back to Wisconsin (temporarily) and finally ended my long distance relationship (of 5 years) by moving in with him ;) We’re looking at roadtripping again here soon to buy our land and begin building our forever home and I cannot wait!🌈
I’ve gotten more into epigenetics and how our lives can often mirror our ancestors! PS Part of this is for me to read back on through the years- since I feel like a lot of times in previous years- I couldn’t tell you one year from the next- the next 25 years and on I want to make different and meaningful. I also love the idea that if one day when my children and children’s children are curious or are at the age I am now, that they feel connected to me, loved by me, and supported by me. After all, a lot of times are lives unknowingly mirror our families- and I think there is a lot to be learned from the ones who have lived before us and their experiences at that age! I for one already asked my mom what she was learning, doing, her likes and dislikes at 25- and will do the same with my dad. (I cannot wait to connect, giggle and laugh) at this united aging experience of becoming and being 25
Although I (my ego self and mind) struggles at times with transitions, expanding past my comfort zones, change, release, and control, looking through all of this, I know I am going the right way. I know that humans have always gone through and have thrived through so much and that I too can do the same! With my life as the canvas - I cannot wait to see where this path of love and heart continues to take me!
Wishes For 25
See my 2021-2022 Vision Board Here
PS I hope in writing this, you celebrate and express love and gratitude for the life you have lived, are living and will live! Wishing you lots of blessings and fun this next 365 days around the sun!
With a grateful heart and expansive vision, Thank you for reading and for being here with me- Elysian on Earth
8/16/2021 0 Comments
-A Letter To My Younger Self-
To me- from me. This is a letter to my younger self. A letter telling me all the things I have always wanted to hear from those around me, before realizing that these are the words I needed most from myself. I love you.
Hi sweet bb,
First of all, I owe you an apology. I know I haven’t always been there for you. I know I haven’t always treated you the best. I know I have often shamed you for things beyond your control. I know I have often only piled on more pain onto a situation that couldn’t take anymore. And most importantly, I know I have often deserted you when you needed it most. Like many of the people I depended on and needed the most- I was not there. I’m sorry it took me til now, to realize that the person you needed it the most from, was and always will be me. Please know that my failure to be compassionate, patient, and loving towards you says nothing about your worth or what you deserve. Please know that all of the hatred and pain I have projected onto you is a failure on my part to love you when you needed it most. I am learning to let go of the judgements, biases, and perceptions I have picked up along the way that I have pushed onto you. For, you are a sunshine soul. Your smile brightens any space and your energy is unmatched. Just by allowing yourself to enter this space called Earth and showing up as you, you’ve made this world a better, brighter place. Your eyes are a reflection of the magic waiting to blossom from within. They are deep, curious, a universe full of stars. You see the best in people and in life through them. You want the best, for yourself and for everyone around you. You are beautiful, pure, sweet intentioned, through and through. I love all parts of you, especially the bits of you that you think are too hard to love or understand. Your “meanness” and spicy attitude captured in the idea of Mean-Chan has brought more joy and laughter into my life than you know and honestly, it’s becoming one of my favorite parts about you, you wagamama-chan. I am happy to say I am learning to embrace all parts of you, of us, even the parts that we have been taught are hard to love and especially the parts that have been shamed and twisted in the eyes of others.
I am so proud of you and the way you carry yourself. So proud of who you are and who you are becoming. I am so proud of how sweet and hopeful you are despite all the things you’ve been through and all of the things done to you. I am so proud of the way you treat others, and I promise to treat you the same way you treat all those around you. You are forgiving, understanding- compassionate even though I know that this life + the people you have met along the way have not always treated you well or even respected you. I am so proud of the way you have not let the world harden your soft heart and how you have remained loving and open through it all. I know it has not always been easy for you. I know that I have often made it even harder for you, defining you and upholding you to the same standards, perceptions and biases others have held against you. I know you have been mislabeled, disrespected, abused- and I am here to tell you, you are loved, you are respected, and you are safe, despite it all, with me always. I promise from here on out, that I will look out for you always. I will protect you always. I will love you always.
Going forward, I promise to always support you and your choices. I promise to choose things, people and places that make us feel safe, loved, and seen for all that we are. I promise to no longer sabotage you and the choices you made in order to push through and survive. I promise to be present and no longer hold the past above you. I promise to back you and your path always. I promise to create and protect the space you need to grow. I promise to allow you learn and to make “mistakes”. I promise to allow you to change and to not be “perfect”. I promise to let you speak up always. Most importantly, I promise to let you spread your wings, release your wildness, and fly with full faith. I promise to catch you, should you ever fall and I promise to reassure you and support you along the way should you ever feel fear or express doubt. I promise to stop holding you back or making you feel small in order to make others outside of you feel better. I promise to put you first and foremost. Always.
Finally, I want you to know you deserve all the happiness, laughter, love + support in the world. You deserve to be happy, fulfilled, supported, free! You are a wildflower blooming despite any adversities or challenges you may have faced in your growth- only growing all the more beautiful because of the resilience you’ve needed to push through. And like a wildflower, I will allow you to change, blossom and let go as many times as you need. My greatest wish for you, is for you be celebrated, honored, and seen- unafraid of the world to see the real you- brilliant, beautiful, shining, because my god- are you stunning- even in your darkest days.
Brave by Sara Bareilles came on while typing this and like the song says, I want to see you be brave with what you want to say and let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave and (know) there’s a way out of the cage where you live. (I want you to know that you can) let the light in, (and I want you to) show me how big your brave is.
11/17/2020 0 Comments
A Place Within-
Disclaimer- This blog entry will talk about some pretty dark and heavy stuff related to sexual assault/trauma. Please proceed carefully + with lots of love! And from my heart to yours, I see you + I feel you.
I am not my shame or my sexual trauma. I repeat this to myself. Over. and Over. and Over.
I am not my shame or my sexual trauma.
Deep in my soul I know this, but feeling it is truly a different matter at times. At its worst, I feel it in my chest. I feel it in my throat. I feel it in my entire body. It burns. It aches. It is dark. It is heavy. Pain. Fear. Panic. Uncomfortable. Unbearable. Chaotic. Self-destructive, Shame. Grief. Sadness. Heavy, heavy, heavy.
I feel it and then I let it go. Time and time again.
The process of coming back home to myself, has been a long one. A winding one. A tiring one.
But my god, is it healing, and heart-breakingly beautiful to come back into the purity and divinity of all that you are, and always have been despite what others have done, others have told you, or even what society has taught us. Our sexuality and our body- are and always will be- divine.
After trauma, it can be hard to settle into yourself again. You feel changed. Dissociated. Disconnected.
A stranger. A foreigner in your own body. Maybe even disgusted with your own body depending on how deeply enmeshed and engrained society's shame, hatred and fear are within you. For one thing, it is important to know we are not our bodies. Our soul can and will retract itself to protect itself and often times, it can be hard to want to bring that energy back. It can be hard to want to fully fill and immerse yourself into this dark and dense timeline where the unthinkable happens and to then sit with and feel what has happened. Although I wouldn't wish the pain of my journey on anyone, I choose to consciously pave a way. To reconnect. again. To love again. To try again. To be more aware. To protect myself. To protect others. To protect my future children who I will not allow to experience something like this. To listen to my soul when it whispers before it screams. To trust my intuition when it tells me something or someone doesn't feel right. I will not wait for them to show me what my body and my soul already knows- because I trust myself.
And I wish to to show others that they too have this space within themselves- no matter how far away from it they may feel now.
My one true wish, in this world, is to create a place for myself and all beings to feel truly seen and to feel safe in being seen. A safe place to be and to be safe in living life fully embodied. A place where we are safe to live and to be free. A place where it is safe for you and me, to be ourselves, unapologetically and without fear of how another person may take it. A place where we are safe to express ourselves without fear or worry that someone will harm us because of who we are. A place to just be and to show up, how we are, as who we are. Truly. In this lifetime.
I wish to truly feel and fill this body which houses my soul. After all, while I am here, this body is my one true home and it is mine- before anyone else’s. I wish to remember that it is and always will be pure. It is and always will be loved. It is and always will be safe and it is and always will be MINE. No one anything or anyone does can ever take that away from me.
My Journey to Sexual Reclamation
Looking back, my journey through shame and sexual trauma has spanned almost my entire lifetime. Starting from growing up and being super sexual at a young age (I was literally like 9 and horny af) and feeling dirty because I thought it was abnormal for a girl- I had no idea how to deal with it. Out of curiosity, I remember rubbing an itch I had in my panties and it ended up feeling good. I didn't know why it did. I didn't know why I wanted to keep doing it either. I felt weird. Ashamed. Confused. I had no one to talk to about it. Which is insane, considering it is a natural human thing, a thing we all feel as divine, sexual, creative and pure beings!
This shame and disconnection from sexuality as an early young, blooming woman was further emphasized in what I saw in the movies and in media- Which was only men wanting to do it, and them begging/pushing against a woman who never did. (WHICH HELLO we were raised with no role models for how a healthy/connected/respectful sexual relationship with boundaries should be like). With that, as young, little, impressionable girls, we were also taught that women were not sexual beings which is NOT true! It also taught little boys that it was sociably acceptable to push a woman until she folded- which is not healthy- and is not respectful of each sovereign being’s ability to choose and define their sexuality- for themselves! We were taught that boys pushing and sweeping you off your feet was something you somehow wanted. Even if it wasn't. Like many others, I thought that was normal. There were points in my journey, especially early on, where I felt like a boy trapped in a girl's body. Not because I wanted to be in a boy's body, but because I didn't know you could be a girl and be sexual too. I didn't associate sexuality with something feminine. Crazy. When it is through the WOMAN'S sacred sexuality that all beings are born.
From that point, I remember seeking the pleasure and exploring it myself. I remember then feeling immediately embarrassed and gross with myself. This cycle repeated until others reached that age, became open with it, and it became more of a normal thing to want to connect with your own self and sexuality in this way.I didn't feel so different or alone anymore.
Soon after that though, in high school, I began to feel like my sexuality was something to be embarrassed about or hidden. For the first time in high school, I was harassed for my sexuality. I was only a sophomore. I was only 15.
It happened soon after I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. At this point the only thing I had ever done was give head. He was a football player and I was soon to find out that the other football players knew about it and what we did. They didn’t share that they knew, til after we broke up. Maybe they thought because I was single they were allowed to do whatever they wanted? My guess is it was shared and disclosed by my ex’s hurt ego or him bragging about what we did in through locker/boy room talk. And what happened was this…
A lot of his teammates also ran track, which I also ran. During practice one day, one of them grabbed me by my ponytail out of nowhere made me bob my head up and down in the air and then said I should be used to it. The rest of them laughed. I remember I felt so disgusted and embarrassed. My face reddened and I didn’t even know what to say. I remember thinking as if I would ever do it to them. I remember wondering why they felt like they had the right to grab me like that, and to dehumanize me based upon my sexual exploration. Fuck them.
Of course I didn't say that though. It was me surrounded by a large group of boys- taller than me and bigger than me. As a shy, little girl who realized that all these guys viewed me in this way, I internalized it, wondering if I should have even done that with my boyfriend. I didn't know it would lead to this. When really, they just shouldn't have done that. They had NO right to. Every now and then, even now, I wonder if they even remember what they did and how that moment scarred me forever. How that was the beginning of what made me feel like my sexuality gave people the right to touch me how they liked- even if I didn’t like it. How I was too afraid or felt like I didn’t have a right to say anything of speak up for myself. Even now, I sometimes stillI wonder how and why they all laughed and why no one stopped it. I wonder why no one stood up for me. And most importantly, I have explored deeply why I felt like I couldn’t stand up for myself.
Later on, I remember having my nudes leaked online when I was still underage. My account on a site called gifyo got hacked and it ended up on porn sites. I didn't tell ANYONE. I was terrified. All I could think about was what someone would do if they saw that and if they saw me like that. After all, I saw how I was treated after sexually exploring something with my boyfriend, and so I was terrified of how others would treat me after sharing myself (privately) online with people my age. I thought that someone was going to find out and that my life was going to be ruined. All I could think about was how I wish I didn't send anything. It ended up getting taken down cause I reported it, but I remember how horrible it made me feel. The one avenue where I explored myself sexually (online) which is something I was too scared to do physically showed me that again my sexuality was bad, something dangerous and something to be exploited by others.
In college, my freshman year, I experienced being sexually assaulted for the first time. I went on a date. At the time I had just broken up with my first serious boyfriend and the only person I had ever been with. Being from a small town I wasn't used to being treated or taken out, especially the first time I was meeting someone. He took me out to a place in Scottsdale called Olive and Ivy and afterwards we went to his place. I thought we would just talk and get to know eachother. Immediately he was incredibly pushy. All over me. We kissed and made out. I was hesitant, slow. I stalled. Yet he kept trying. I told him we should stop, just talk and watch something. That took him off my back for a while and we just cuddled. Even then, I was incredibly tense and uncomfortable as I felt him beside me.I didn’t know him and yet he wanted to be so close.
After a while of just watching though his hands and mouth started creeping from behind me. My body tensed. My breathing stalled. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I realized I was holding my breathe. I wondered if he even noticed. I felt him pull off my pants. Finger me. I remember it hurt and it was uncomfortable. I remember hiding my face I couldn’t even turn to look at him. I remember he grabbed a condom. It was all happening so fast. I didn't even know how it got to that point without me saying anything. I was so scared. My words were caught in my throat as he surrounded my small, little shaking body with his. I remember him being behind me. I remember he put it in. And kept trying to put it in…Luckily, he couldn't and didn’t stay hard. Looking back on that moment it felt like I wasn’t even there. It felt as if he was simply using me to prove something to himself. It felt like he was using me to show his own manliness to himself, it didn’t matter how I felt. Even though he couldn’t stay hard I still felt violated. Horrified. I remember leaving right after that. He bought my uber and I cried. He tried hanging out with me over and over again after that and I couldn't face him. I couldn't face what he had done.
I didn't get how we could have been on such different pages. Did he not understand what he had done? Did he not see I was not interested? Not then, not now, and definitely not ever again. I ended up blocking him and telling him I didn’t ever want to talk or hear from him again. Not once did he ask me how I felt or if I was okay. He just pushed what he wanted over me, over and over again. Even after I had told him that I just wanted to talk and get to know each other. But as he pushed and pushed, I felt like I had already told him no by saying what I did. I remember being afraid of being annoying or being mean! I remember being afraid of hurting his feelings more than I thought about mine. (Fucking wild) At the time, I felt like I couldn’t speak up or say anything because he had taken me out. In some strange twisted way, I felt like I owed it to him, even though I didn’t owe him anything. This was over 7 years ago, and even now, when I drive past his place since I live around the area still, I would be lying if I said that I don't catch myself holding my breath and tensing my body. I have to remember to breathe and remind myself it's safe and that he can't touch me anymore.
It's sad, because this wasn't even the last and only time something like this happened to me. I woke up to someone touching me once. When I told them to stop they asked me if I wanted a Xanax. I said no. I can only imagine what would have happened if I took it. ( I later learned he date raped other girls when they were completely unconscious- and they only found out because someone else told them about.) I remember talking to him about it and he blamed it all on me. He told me I should have talked about my bf more. He told me I shouldn’t have sent him the emojis I did (even though I send them to everyone). He told me it was my fault because I was in his bed. (Even though 2 of my other best friends were in bed with us at the time too). He told me it was all me. He told me it was all my fault he did what he did. And it’s crazy because just like the first time, I internalized it, I blamed myself and I shamed myself. I wished I hadn't gone over. Wished I hadn't gone out. Wished that I was never there, but I was. You would hope that telling someone you only see them as a friend would get the point across. You would hope that the fact that there were other people in the bed (our friends) with us would get the point across. You would hope that being unconscious would get the message across. But sadly, this is not the world we live in sometimes. And it’s scary to realize it’s sometimes even the people closest to you that you do not see clearly until it’s too late. What’s crazy is afterward, when something like this happens, you blame yourself and only yourself for not being smart enough, wise enough. You blame yourself and hate yourself for being too trusting, too naive. You blame yourself for even the simplest act of falling asleep. You blame yourself and you shame yourself. Which brings me to the question, why are we as women and as a society so focused on what the victim does or does not do- and not the perpetrator? Why do we take so much accountability for the actions of others? Why do we women, define ourselves by the actions of what someone else has done instead of our own actions? How does one moment set the tone to what we deserve? These are questions I ask myself repeatedly, and to which I answer and remind myself that I am not my sexual trauma. I am and always have been free, loved + undefined by the actions or thoughts of others. I tell myself that I am safe that I am loved and most importantly that I am deserving of respect, reverence, and patience.
Since then, I am more on guard than I ever was before. More trusting of when my body doesn't feel safe when I'm around someone. I do not allow anyone in my space that I feel unsafe around or confused or uncomfortable around. There's been so many times I tried to fight through that feeling or told myself I was crazy because the other person was “nice” and hadn’t done anything wrong yet. I tried to convince myself out of this feeling until they proved me right- and that my body was whispering something to me that I only noticed until it screamed at me. It's happened with friends. It's happened with strangers. It's happened with professionals. It's happened with people who have significant others. It's happened.
It’s made me feel small anytime this happens. Tiny. Afraid. It makes me wish I was a 5 year old again when I didn't know that the world or people could hurt or treat you like this. I didn't know people could care less about you and your feelings on something. I didn’t know people could blame you for something they did. I didn’t know people would take no accountability or see no wrong in their actions. I didn't know people would do anything to make themselves feel good, even if it meant making you as a person feel terrible, disrespected, used.
Between all of these experiences, for a while I felt changed. More pessismistic. Less bright. Less carefree. Less happy.
I was scared. Restricted. Ashamed. I dressed in a way to not draw attention to myself, I stopped going to a lot of places.
I hid my light, afraid of the attention it would attract. Afraid that my sexuality needed to be hidden because it caused others to hurt me.
But now I'm stepping into the reality and unlearning what I have carried for so long.
Sexual trauma is not my fault. It is not who I am. And it is definitely not something that I want to define how I live my life. I don’t want to use my sexual trauma as a way to self sabotage myself and my relationships now.
I deserve a life where I am free and safe to express myself and be me- however, raw, wild, or naked I am. I deserve a space and place to not be afraid to shine my light- as bright as it can FUCKING SHINE. I deserve relationships where I am listened to, valued, and treated with compassion. And most importantly, I deserve this most, from myself.
When I look back at myself and my experiences, I see someone that dared to explore physical affection freely and curiously. Someone who loved and showed up freely. Someone who shined brightly and was and always will be beautiful. Because that's what and who I am. The living, breathing, physical embodiment of pure love. And I refuse to allow anyone else’s misinterpretations or projections change who I am. I will not allow people to demonize me, my body, or my sexuality. I will not pick up their biases and perceptions towards that and hold it against myself. I choose to support myself, to love myself, and to set myself free.
This cycle of excusing and blaming myself is something I have struggled with in so many ways and something I wish to let go of, once and for all. I realize I am tired of the shit and the shame and the guilt and the fear, and recognize I don't want to carry it anymore. I know and remind myself over and over again, that it is not mine to carry. I apologize and love on my small inner child that tried their best and carried all of these things that were never meant to be carried by me. I set myself free.
So if you, are someone like me, and have a story (which I know in my own life, that most women and even some men do) You did not deserve your abuse. Your experience says nothing about you + says everything about them. Allow yourself to release- and no longer allow yourself to carry the thinking that you were or are somehow dirty, or that if you did or didn’t do something, it wouldn’t have happened. Let that shit go. I know it is easier said than done, but remind yourself as many times as you need. Choose to not use your energy to stay stuck in the past, but to use it instead to have and hold even greater love + support for yourself.
Remind yourself that your sexuality and your body are SACRED and should be treated as such- always. Your sexuality and body is not something for others to take and do with as they please, without your permission. Your sexuality and body are SACRED no matter how little or how much you wear or what you do or do not do in your life.
So with that, I want to scream into the universe and to all men (or women) who have ever tried to touch anyone who DID not want to be touched.
Don’t lie to yourself.
You know what you were doing.
You know what you did.
You can feel their energy just like you can feel yours.
You just chose not to.
You chose to put your feelings first, and their feelings last.
You chose to put momentary pleasure over long term consequences.
You hurt people. You devalued people and you disrespected people.
After all, we are all sovereign energetic beings-
And you know
Or will soon know how
you have imposed your ego, your mind, your desires, as objective reality over all, when that is not true.
So remember, even if I or others didn't say no, we definitely the fuck did not say yes.
It is better to pause and to wait than to rush and to regret.
It is better to flow and to have fun than to force and push.
Even if I or others are wearing nothing- you have no right.
Even if I or others are touching ourselves- you have no right.
Even if I or others are touching, showing, or fucking 5 million other people in front of you- you have no right-
To impose your desires and wishes upon me or anyone else as objective reality and then try to shame us for YOUR misunderstanding.
What it is-
is an invitation for you to take a deep hard look at yourself and what you think about and tarnish about others’ sexuality for
that is your WORK to do. Not ours.
And remember- nothing I or others ever do is an invitation to touch our sacred bodies- unless we have SAID it is.
For those of you who have made it this far, thank you for coming to my TED talk. I know this stuff is dark and is heavy. But it is incredibly important for us to shed light on something as dark as this. And, it is also incredibly freeing and important for us all to share in safe places in hopes that we can stop the cycle of shame, pressure or judgement on other’s sexuality and bodies and gain clarity as a collective.
Although I am still healing, forgiving, loving and learning to show compassion for myself constantly (with some days being better than others), I want you to know you are not alone in your journey or your struggle. I wish for you to know that you are celebrated and deserving of all the love and safety in the world, no matter who you are or what has happened to you in your past. I wish for you to let anything that holds you back from stepping into this- and accepting this for yourself- once and for all.
Finally, with Leo season flowing and lighting up even the darkest depths of our soul, I hope you remember how beautiful and divine you, your body and your sexuality is. My hope is that we all learn to love each other and listen to each other with more divinity and respect a little more, each and every day. My hope is that you allow yourself to distance yourself from anyone, anything, or any place that takes away your shine, or tries to use your beauty and freedom against you.
With so so soooo much love + compassion-
This morning I was washing dishes as my breakfast was cooking. However, as I was setting a plate to dry, I dropped it and it broke. Alex, my boyfriend, who was doing his work in the living room turned to look at me. I felt my heart drop as shame spread through my entire being. I immediately began apologizing, dropped to my knees and began picking up the larger pieces. After, I used a paper towel to small pieces to the side but I accidentally pressed too hard in my panic and stabbed my thumb finger with a small piece of glass. This made me even more upset than I already was.
In my head he was looking at me because I had fucked up. Even though it was an accident. I started feeling super stressed and nervous. It reminded me of when I did something like this when I was little and my mom would get upset and angry at me, even though I didn't do it on purpose. She would then kick me out of the kitchen, sighing loudly and muttering under her breath the entire time. I told her I would help and she told me to stay away. After that, if I was in the kitchen she would get so nervous about me dropping a dish again acting as if it was something I did regularly. It made me not want to be in the kitchen anymore because it made both of us feel bad and when I would say I wouldn't wash dishes anymore because she made me feel bad, stressed and nervous every time I did it she would get mad at me for saying that. There was nothing I could do to make it better and if I tried I felt like I only made it worse. Playing this in my head over the present time I realized that Alex had actually just looked over at me with concern (since I am notoriously known for stepping on glass lol in my adulthood). If there is a piece of broken glass anywhere, my foot will find it. In my head however I thought he was annoyed. I felt inconvenient because he had to stop his work to check on me.
Looking back, I realize that her lack of ability to be there for me emotionally stemmed from her own pains, fears, and traumas towards taking care of her own emotional needs. (Because it was selfish, because it was too much, because it was inconvenient, because it was stressful, because it was bad, because she didn't have time, because she had to be strong) Due to that she didn't know how to be there for me, she wasn't even there for herself. And this is a belief system I picked up and carried from her. Often times, our inner child wounds mirror that of our parents. And it is very likely my mom mirrors wounds of her own parents. In facing these passed down generational beliefs/curses/traumas we allow for healing to begin when we give ourselves the space to try something different, something new, something more loving. And the more we understand ourselves and our deepest fears the more we can see and love our parents too for trying their best in the only way they knew how to then. Furthermore, in healing yourself, you heal your whole family, both before & after you.
This morning ultimately highlights one example of how our inner wounded children can play out within us in the present moment. But, by being aware of it instead of shaming ourselves or blaming ourselves for it, we have the choice to breathe through it, and re-parent ourselves. Also, with the help of a loving and supportive partner (or friends), we can begin to reprogram these internalized fears and traumas we may have in a safe, nonjudgmental place. With that, today is one of those days that I realize how blessed and thankful I am to have Alex in my life. To be there with me through these big emotions that I struggled with alone when I was little because I had no idea how to communicate this to my mother. In my mind, based on her reactions I already felt like an inconvenience to her and because of that I internalized that thought and believed I ,myself, was inconvenient. Although she may have never thought that, it was something that got programmed as a core belief within me and is something I work through each day. It's crazy how something small can echo into so many facets of your life but in having loving awareness for yourself and the survival patterns you picked up, you can begin to move forward with forgiveness and understanding in your heart towards yourself and that person. (In particular my mother). Going forward and being aware of the past, but present to the now allows you then to consciously decide and react from a place of love and empathy knowing what you wanted and needed in that scenario.
With that, remember to be gentle with yourself today and every day. Healing can hurt. Sometimes it sucks. It is not pretty. But in admitting and facing those limiting beliefs you have picked up and carried with you, you can begin re-parenting and reminding yourself of your truth. I am deserving. I am loving. I am forgiving. I am a joy to people's lives. And even in the moments when you may struggle with that or it may not feel like it (because of how someone treats you, or what you've done), you know in your heart what is true and that nothing can take that away or change that for you.
So although we have grown, and look grown, we are all very much that little inner child seeking love from within. We all carry wounds whether consciously or subconsciously so be gentle & love yourself as you are, knowing deep within that you have always been deserving of that love and understanding. Furthermore, the more you are able to do that from yourself, the more you can act from a place of love rather than a place of fear or hurt both towards yourself & others as you see that we either act from love, or in search of love.
Sending hugs & love from my inner child to your inner child always.
Elysian on Earth
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"She dances with the spirit of the sun, loves with the strength of wild water, moves with the moods of the moon, and creates with the wills of the wind.
She is magic. She is woman. "
She is magic. She is woman. "