-A Letter To My Younger Self-

To me- from me. This is a letter to my younger self. A letter telling me all the things I have always wanted to hear from those around me, before realizing that these are the words I needed most from myself. I love you.

Hi sweet bb,

First of all, I owe you an apology. I know I haven’t always been there for you. I know I haven’t always treated you the best. I know I have often shamed you for things beyond your control. I know I have often only piled on more pain onto a situation that couldn’t take anymore. And most importantly, I know I have often deserted you when you needed it most. Like many of the people I depended on and needed the most- I was not there. I’m sorry it took me til now, to realize that the person you needed it the most from, was and always will be me. Please know that my failure to be compassionate, patient, and loving towards you says nothing about your worth or what you deserve. Please know that all of the hatred and pain I have projected onto you is a failure on my part to love you when you needed it most. I am learning to let go of the judgements, biases, and perceptions I have picked up along the way that I have pushed onto you. For, you are a sunshine soul. Your smile brightens any space and your energy is unmatched. Just by allowing yourself to enter this space called Earth and showing up as you, you’ve made this world a better, brighter place. Your eyes are a reflection of the magic waiting to blossom from within. They are deep, curious, a universe full of stars. You see the best in people and in life through them. You want the best, for yourself and for everyone around you. You are beautiful, pure, sweet intentioned, through and through. I love all parts of you, especially the bits of you that you think are too hard to love or understand. Your “meanness” and spicy attitude captured in the idea of Mean-Chan has brought more joy and laughter into my life than you know and honestly, it’s becoming one of my favorite parts about you, you wagamama-chan. I am happy to say I am learning to embrace all parts of you, of us, even the parts that we have been taught are hard to love and especially the parts that have been shamed and twisted in the eyes of others.

I am so proud of you and the way you carry yourself. So proud of who you are and who you are becoming. I am so proud of how sweet and hopeful you are despite all the things you’ve been through and all of the things done to you. I am so proud of the way you treat others, and I promise to treat you the same way you treat all those around you. You are forgiving, understanding- compassionate even though I know that this life + the people you have met along the way have not always treated you well or even respected you. I am so proud of the way you have not let the world harden your soft heart and how you have remained loving and open through it all. I know it has not always been easy for you. I know that I have often made it even harder for you, defining you and upholding you to the same standards, perceptions and biases others have held against you. I know you have been mislabeled, disrespected, abused- and I am here to tell you, you are loved, you are respected, and you are safe, despite it all, with me always. I promise from here on out, that I will look out for you always. I will protect you always. I will love you always. 

Going forward, I promise to always support you and your choices. I promise to choose things, people and places that make us feel safe, loved, and seen for all that we are. I promise to no longer sabotage you and the choices you made in order to push through and survive. I promise to be present and no longer hold the past above you. I promise to back you and your path always. I promise to create and protect the space you need to grow. I promise to allow you learn and to make “mistakes”. I promise to allow you to change and to not be “perfect”. I promise to let you speak up always. Most importantly, I promise to let you spread your wings, release your wildness, and fly with full faith. I promise to catch you, should you ever fall and I promise to reassure you and support you along the way should you ever feel fear or express doubt. I promise to stop holding you back or making you feel small in order to make others outside of you feel better. I promise to put you first and foremost. Always.

Finally, I want you to know you deserve all the happiness, laughter, love + support in the world. You deserve to be happy, fulfilled, supported, free! You are a wildflower blooming despite any adversities or challenges you may have faced in your growth- only growing all the more beautiful because of the resilience you’ve needed to push through.  And like a wildflower, I will allow you to change, blossom and let go as many times as you need. My greatest wish for you, is for you be celebrated, honored, and seen- unafraid of the world to see the real you- brilliant, beautiful, shining, because my god- are you stunning- even in your darkest days.

Brave by Sara Bareilles came on while typing this and like the song says, I want to see you be brave with what you want to say and let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave and (know) there’s a way out of the cage where you live. (I want you to know that you can) let the light in, (and I want you to) show me how big your brave is. 


Love always,

Rinchan