The Child Within- Inner Child Healing

This morning I was washing dishes as my breakfast was cooking. However, as I was setting a plate to dry, I dropped it and it broke. Alex, my boyfriend, who was doing his work in the living room turned to look at me. I felt my heart drop as shame spread through my entire being. I immediately began apologizing, dropped to my knees and began picking up the larger pieces. After, I used a paper towel to small pieces to the side but I accidentally pressed too hard in my panic and stabbed my thumb finger with a small piece of glass. This made me even more upset than I already was.
In my head he was looking at me because I had fucked up. Even though it was an accident. I started feeling super stressed and nervous. It reminded me of when I did something like this when I was little and my mom would get upset and angry at me, even though I didn't do it on purpose. She would then kick me out of the kitchen, sighing loudly and muttering under her breath the entire time. I told her I would help and she told me to stay away. After that, if I was in the kitchen she would get so nervous about me dropping a dish again acting as if it was something I did regularly. It made me not want to be in the kitchen anymore because it made both of us feel bad and when I would say I wouldn't wash dishes anymore because she made me feel bad, stressed and nervous every time I did it she would get mad at me for saying that. There was nothing I could do to make it better and if I tried I felt like I only made it worse. Playing this in my head over the present time I realized that Alex had actually just looked over at me with concern (since I am notoriously known for stepping on glass lol in my adulthood). If there is a piece of broken glass anywhere, my foot will find it. In my head however I thought he was annoyed. I felt inconvenient because he had to stop his work to check on me. 

He stepped away from his computer & told me to get out of the kitchen and told me I should vacuum the small pieces. Ashamed and feeling not smart at all (considering I stabbed my finger and was almost in tears) I told him I would grab it and do it after I ate my food. He reassured me and said he would do it so I sat down to eat. My heart flooded with happiness but also sadness. I realized this was the response and reassurance I wanted when I was little.
As I sat there crying as I ate my breakfast he looked over at me and giggled. Through my tears I giggled too. He told me how cute I was. He teased me saying "I'm a grown woman who demands respect" as we both laughed at the fact that I had a huge childlike meltdown over breaking a plate and then consequently stabbing my finger in my hurry and stress.
And in this moment of heartache and darkness, in came light. In came clarity. In came love.

I talked to him about why I reacted the way I did (it is something he is quite aware of already) and where it came from. Although it was something small, when I was little it was something big. Looking back, it isn't bad or that big of a deal but in your little mind when you have no life experiences and nothing to compare it to, you internalize it and as adults we often still carry those beginning memories within us.
Because of that in my adult relationships (particularly with Alex) I realize I am overly careful and cautious about being inconvenient to him. And when I feel like I am, I want to leave because I think it would be better for him (when actuality it is not).

For me, I realize the way I respond to certain stressful situations began with my mom. When I mess up and someone is mad at me I don't know what to do. If I feel like I can't help I want to go away in fear of making it or them feel worse. For my mom I knew she was already so stressed trying so hard to take care of 4 children basically on her own since my dad was in the Navy and was either stationed elsewhere or on the boat. In moments like this, I felt like my presence just made it worse. In my mind, to make it easier on her I thought it would be better if I wasn't there.

Looking back, I realize that her lack of ability to be there for me emotionally stemmed from her own pains, fears, and traumas towards taking care of her own emotional needs. (Because it was selfish, because it was too much, because it was inconvenient, because it was stressful, because it was bad, because she didn't have time, because she had to be strong) Due to that she didn't know how to be there for me, she wasn't even there for herself. And this is a belief system I picked up and carried from her. Often times, our inner child wounds mirror that of our parents. And it is very likely my mom mirrors wounds of her own parents. In facing these passed down generational beliefs/curses/traumas we allow for healing to begin when we give ourselves the space to try something different, something new, something more loving. And the more we understand ourselves and our deepest fears the more we can see and love our parents too for trying their best in the only way they knew how to then. Furthermore, in healing yourself, you heal your whole family, both before & after you.
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This morning ultimately highlights one example of how our inner wounded children can play out within us in the present moment. But, by being aware of it instead of shaming ourselves or blaming ourselves for it, we have the choice to breathe through it, and re-parent ourselves. Also, with the help of a loving and supportive partner (or friends), we can begin to reprogram these internalized fears and traumas we may have in a safe, nonjudgmental place. With that, today is one of those days that I realize how blessed and thankful I am to have Alex in my life. To be there with me through these big emotions that I struggled with alone when I was little because I had no idea how to communicate this to my mother. In my mind, based on her reactions I already felt like an inconvenience to her and because of that I internalized that thought and believed I ,myself, was inconvenient. Although she may have never thought that, it was something that got programmed as a core belief within me and is something I work through each day. It's crazy how something small can echo into so many facets of your life but in having loving awareness for yourself and the survival patterns you picked up, you can begin to move forward with forgiveness and understanding in your heart towards yourself and that person. (In particular my mother). Going forward and being aware of the past, but present to the now allows you then to consciously decide and react from a place of love and empathy knowing what you wanted and needed in that scenario.

With that, remember to be gentle with yourself today and every day. Healing can hurt. Sometimes it sucks. It is not pretty. But in admitting and facing those limiting beliefs you have picked up and carried with you, you can begin re-parenting and reminding yourself of your truth. I am deserving. I am loving. I am forgiving. I am a joy to people's lives. And even in the moments when you may struggle with that or it may not feel like it (because of how someone treats you, or what you've done), you know in your heart what is true and that nothing can take that away or change that for you.

So although we have grown, and look grown, we are all very much that little inner child seeking love from within. We all carry wounds whether consciously or subconsciously so be gentle & love yourself as you are, knowing deep within that you have always been deserving of that love and understanding. Furthermore, the more you are able to do that from yourself, the more you can act from a place of love rather than a place of fear or hurt both towards yourself & others as you see that we either act from love, or in search of love.

Sending hugs & love from my inner child to your inner child always.

Elysian on Earth