Eye See You As You Are And I Love You All The Same

Eye see you and eye see your struggle, as eye have been there too.

Lost. Demotivated. Hurt. Angry. Sad. Weak. Anxious. Depressed. Numb. Scared. Dying. Crying. Screaming. Confused. Dead. Dead. Dead.
Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why?
These are the words and feelings that scare us as a collective, as people, as individuals. We avoid them at all costs.
We do not talk about them. We do not explore them and we certainly do not confront them. Not for ourselves, and certainly not for others.

Often times, I know that we feel that these are the words and feelings that keep us from accepting ourselves and others.
From loving ourselves and others. From understanding ourselves and others.
How can I be happy when I also feel this way?
How can I love myself when I feel that these feelings are wrong? Something to be ashamed of. Something to be afraid of. Something to hide. Something to ignore.
How can I understand myself when I do not know where these feelings come from?
If I can’t do it, how could anyone else understand or love me?
If you are happy it must mean you don’t feel these things, right?
If you love yourself it must mean you don’t feel these things, right?
Wrong.

Because it is about acknowledging these parts of yourself, accepting these parts of yourself and loving these parts of yourself in order to understand yourself and be happy and at peace within yourself. Even now. Even through it. Even in spite of it all.

For it is only when we feel like we can't face it, acknowledge it, or accept it as part of who we are that causes so many people to feel lost, alone, and broken in a world that does not understand them, when in reality, it is you who does not even understand yourself, and it is through all these feelings that your soul is crying, screaming, shaking you to find out.

So, what if instead of running from them, we ran towards them?
What if we sat at the root of our fear, our self loathing, our self pity?
And what if we nurtured and hugged the most broken and hurt parts of ourselves?
Instead of hiding. Ignoring. Denying?
Would we be so scared to face these feelings, if we understood the root of them? The real purpose of them?

For most times, all these feelings stem from unresolved traumas and experiences that we feel we do not have the strength to go through. Traumas and experiences we have buried so deep that we do not even really remember them. But while the subconscious may do a great job at burying them, the unconscious will always remember. Like a smooth, calm river, that has strong, raging undercurrents underneath,
we all stay at the surface, running, floating, skimming, until the current catches us and pulls us in deep, whether we want to or not, whether we feel ready or not. And when that happens, we fight it, tiring ourselves out, instead of surrendering to it, and realizing that the less you fight, the more likely you are to resurface again. For it is in this great irony we find true peace.
And it is through all these feelings that we find the path to our true selves.
But we fight them, we run from them, we are scared to go down them, to go into them, afraid we may not come back out.
Afraid we are going to lose ourselves. But perhaps that's the way.
To lose yourself. To fall apart, in order for it all to come back together differently? Changed?
For often times, it is when you sit in your darkness, and you allow yourself to break, that the light finally is able to come through the cracks and rebuild you anew.

These are the words and feelings that stem from fear and pain, and it is something we all feel at one point or another, no matter how hard we try to protect or control ourselves. After all, we are spirit having a human experience, all just trying to grow through it all as we go through it all. And sometimes it really hurts. And sometimes it really sucks. But what I've realized is sometimes we do not know why something happens, especially in the midst of it, but if you go through it, you will find the strength, love, clarity and understanding that you never you knew you had in you or would ever find. And if you keep going, keep trying, keep trusting, even when honestly there is times you do not want to, you will find the light and understand once more.

And most ironically, perhaps that is the purpose of it all.
For what the universe will do is send triggers, in the form of different packages: events, people, places, experiences in order to teach you the same lesson that you keep pushing away.. Each one bigger than the last, in the hopes that you will finally open it and appreciate it for what it is.
So yeah, sometimes things don't go your way. Sometimes people will talk about you. Sometimes people will leave you. Sometimes you will lose your job. Sometimes people won't understand you. Sometimes people will hate you. No matter how hard you try. And it will confuse you. And it will hurt you. And it will make you angry. And it will make you all of these things and feel all of these things.
And you will even question why you try? Why this happens? Why you?
How can I be happy with all this happening around and within me? How can I be at peace? How can I be comfortable?
It's like life pushes and pushes. Adds more pressure, adds more stress, more sadness, more anger.
And this will paralyzes your soul. Do I deserve this? What am I supposed to get from this?
And then when it all becomes too much, when you feel like you can handle no more, you let go, and in doing so you let in.

For it is in the depths of darkness and in fear we learn who we really are.
How strong we are. How infinite we are. How loving we are. In a situation we thought would end us.
In a situation we thought we would never get through. In a situation we never saw coming. We do.
And it is in going through it and growing through it, that you learn the ebb an flow of life. the cycles. the doors closing to open another. the redirection. the realignment.
And you will finally come out of the dark night of the soul, different, changed, but softer and more sure of yourself somehow.
For you have weathered the storm, become the storm, then found silence and stillness within it all.

​And this is a process we are all going through. In different forms. In different packages. In different lessons.

And there's a lot of these moments that will come up through your life.
You will feel solid and strong, til something or someone comes up again that knocks the breath out of you and throws you into the depths of your shadows once more.
For healing is a circle.
You go forward, and then something throws you back into something you thought you were over. And then you come back again.
But each time, you get stronger, you get a better understanding of it, a different perspective, and you know and understand yourself more.
For that is where the quote fall seven times, stand up eight rings true.
Each time you fall, the easier it gets.
And each time you can pick yourself up with compassion and grace, the easier it is to extend this empathy to others, as they go through that particular stage of being human.

For myself, I know my spiritual awakening was not something I could talk about for the longest time, because I personally didn't even know what happened or what I experienced, or even the purpose of it all. I know for a period of time, I felt like I was irrational. Crazy even.
I didn't understand my feelings. My fears. My worries. My struggles. But I just kept running. Kept avoiding. Until I couldn't avoid it anymore.
Until I couldn't run anymore.
It got to the point that If i closed my eyes, I was afraid I wouldn't wake up. I had to face it no matter how scary it was.
It needed me to.
And I think this was my body's way of screaming at me its mortality. How much it needs me. How much I need it.
How much it needed me to change. How much I needed it to change.
And it was in learning the weaknesses and mortality of my body that I realized how much I love it and how much I should nurture it as the sacred vessel it is for my spirit in this current time and place.
In facing it, I can now address the lack, the hurt, the imbalance, and send love and acceptance to it.
I can go to it and grow.
I can change it, and it can change me.
For where your energy goes, energy flows.
And so I did that. I changed it. And although my body is still going through changes that I still am trying to figure out [I've been struggling with digestive issues for a long time] it has gotten better, and even though sometimes it spirals back, I know I am on the right path, to healing, to hope, to health.

Emotionally too, I've come a long ways. But, I still face my storms that leave me shaking at the core too.
Less frequent for sure, but no lesser in terms of how much they hurt me. But, I do know I get through them quicker now, easier now.
Recently, I went through intense hurt when I tried to change and control others' reactions to me. I thought if I spoke to them and told them my side they would understand how much they've hurt me. Instead I just got more hurt projected onto me. Cruel words. Shutting down and unacknowledged feelings. More blame.
But I said my peace, apologized for what I did and what the situation brought in me (I am by no means a perfect person either) and received my peace, even in the midst of no closure and more pain.
And what I've realized through this most recent storm that I've been learning for a while, but now understand more than ever, is that hurt people hurt others. We've all been guilty of doing this at one point or another. And we all do it to varying degrees. And most times we do not even see the effects of our actions until much later, when it is done onto us. So I understand where they are coming from, I've been there too, but I also know that I do not have to take it. I do not have to sit through it. And what is best for me and for them, is to burn the bridge that allows them to keep crossing it. To keep hurting me. To keep speaking badly to me. To keep projecting at me.
And in forgiving them, even when they do not ask for it, or think they need it, I save myself.
But that does not mean I have stopped loving them or caring about them.
Only that I love and care about myself more to let them continue to treat me that way.
And that sometimes what is best for both parties is to just send that love and energy from afar.
For they will always still receive it, no matter how much space and time separates you.

I think it is important to know that people are always working from their current perspective.
So can we hate or get mad at them when they cannot even see it or face it themselves?
In forgiving and loving someone who does not even know how to love me or forgive someone has shown me true strength and love, because often times it means they do not love or forgive themselves (I have been there too)
I know that often times I see the love and light people do not even see in themselves, let alone another person.
But I do now acknowledge their darkness too. We all have it.
I see it more than ever. And although it hasn't made me love them any less, it does make me realize that sometimes it is best to just let go
so that they can no longer consume your light, and leave you in darkness too.
And that has been one of my hardest lessons. To know I can't save everyone. No matter how hard I try.
I can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

And to let go, without feeling like I am giving up on them, or maybe most importantly myself because I somehow feel like it is my responsibility to do it for them. To make them see. To make them know. When it never has been, and it never will be.
And to let them go knowing they will always see you as the bad person. The horrible person. But knowing that your hurt is only a small sliver of how hurt they truly are. For how they see you, and how they treat you, is a small glimmer of how they treat themselves, alone and in the dark, and how that has everything to say about them, and nothing about myself.
I have learned to let go of my expectations. Knowing that how I treat others, is not always how I will be treated.
But to not let that ever change how I treat others. And to keep trying in spite of that. To keep loving.
To keep trusting. But with more knowledge of when to let go and when to hold on.

So with that, do not let the hurt of others make your heart hard, no matter how easy it is to do or how much you may want to.
Just understand and know that spiritual struggles are different for everyone as everyone's ego bucks differently and we all have different things to learn and master.
For the whole world is changing. We are changing. You are changing.
We all go through cycles of healing, and of hurt. But instead of looking at it from a why me perspective? Start looking at it from a what can I learn from this?
And you will find gratitude for all the ebb and flows of life.
The good, the bad. The dark, the light. The broken, the whole. Within and without yourself, within and without others.

And most importantly, know that you cannot control others and you certainly cannot change others.
But what you can do is control yourself and change yourself.
So through it all, focus on you, do your part and work within then trust that the rest will fall into place outside and around you.
For if you keep doing everything out of love you can never be wrong.
No matter how bad people want to paint you as something you know you are not, you know and create your own life canvas.
It is your choice to change. To control yourself. To create yourself anew from even the worst experiences.

And all the while, make sure to surround yourself with people who see you for you. Not what they want to see, not what they want you to be.
Surround yourself with people who love all of you, even the parts you have a hard time loving.
Be with others that make life easier, not harder, those that support you rather than criticize you.
(After all, we all already criticize and hurt ourselves enough. So why add that pain and hurt to others.)
And if you have no one like that in your life right now, know that it is better to be alone instead of taking the pain and hurt of others on top of yours until they come, and they will come. Attracted to your light. Your energy. Your love.

Life is hard, but it is beautiful.
So love it all: life, yourself, others, the world, the seen, the unseen, the heard, the unheard. And have faith in all.
Stay soft, stay golden, and be kind, in a world that tries so hard to make you hard.

And know that no matter how broken you feel right now. No matter how confused you are right now. No matter how lost you are.
You will always find your way.
And I am proud to walk this journey with you.