My Spiritual Awakening- 1 Year Anniversary

Looking back, so much has changed within a year. Friends, family, work, life, relationships, me.
Although it has been some of the hardest and scariest moments of my life, I would not change it for anything.

Starting a year ago I was forced to dive deep into my subconscious to discover and clear different parts of myself that I had almost forgotten about and buried so deep within myself. But no matter how much you try to get rid of it, it will always begin to emerge. Like a collection of trauma that begins to explode and overflow until at some point all you can do is just surrender to it. Like a boat full of holes, you can plug the holes, but as more holes start to appear and the water starts to flood in, at some point you have to just accept what is, let yourself go, and dive into the depths of the waters and into the dark unknown.

Goldrush 2019 in Arizona at Rawhide triggered a series of events and a couple of months of lost, consuming darkness.
Everything was falling apart.
My relationship. My health. My sanity.
I was never raised religious. I didn't believe in God. I said I was an atheist.
But when you have no one and nothing to hold onto anymore, we all tend to surrender and cry out to something higher than ourselves. Something bigger than ourselves.

Although, I definitely had moments at the beginning where I would find clarity, I would lose myself again.
I would feel myself spiraling again.
Grasping at nothing. Unsure of who to call out to.
I felt like I was going crazy. I didn't know what to believe.
I was scared of everything. People, places, events, but most importantly myself.
I was running around in darkness. Living life as a blur.
Doing the same things, seeing the same things, like I was trapped and I couldn't find my way out.
It was almost like living life with my eyes closed and once my eyes had been opened, I could not turn back.
I could not unsee what I saw.

During this time, I went to doctor after doctor. No one could tell me any answers.
I had a rash that started in my armpits and spread to my fingers.
My weight dropped to 92 lbs. My liver results were abnormal then fine the next.
My body was dying. My soul was dying. I was dying.
A constant:
"I think it might be this."
"I'm not sure, it could be this."
"It's probably not that."
"I thought that too, but it doesn't quite look like anything I've ever seen."
And to have doctors hypothesize with you, and honestly tell you they had no idea, and that their guess was as good as yours, is a terrifying place to be.

Growing up, I would cry at the thought of darkness, of eternal death and this fear never went away as I got older.
(But it was always out of sight, out of mind, if I didn't think about it, I was okay)
But this time, I couldn't avoid it.
As I felt my body give out on me I went to sleep every night praying to a God I said I didn't believe in.
And every night for about 2-3 months I went to sleep, and didn't think I would wake up.
I would fight sleep. Terrified. And finally I would succumb to it.
I would always wake up with a start in the morning, so scared to open my eyes and possibly not recognize where I was.
But, it was always my same old familiar bedroom, and I would cry, clutching my sheets, holding my small body so thankful that I had made it through the night.
It was like I felt so out of place. So lost. Like my body and soul was rejecting everything that I had been.
And I was so worried I was too late.
That I couldn't turn back time.
Couldn't take it back.

I would say my life was leading up to a spiritual awakening for months. Bad habits. Bad decisions. Ignoring. Burying. Hiding. Running. The faster I ran, the harder it came. Eventually, I had to just stop, tired. Exhausted. My body couldn't do it anymore.
It couldn't keep up with the life I was living.
For a good while, I was like a walking shell of a human. I looked like a skeleton. I felt dead.
I was lost. Confused. Stumbling in the dark. I didn't know my way out.
I went to class. But I sat there, crying, dying in the inside, wondering how I could just sit here, when nothing felt normal.
I felt out of place within my own body. I couldn't even find a home within myself. I felt like I was being pushed out.
I hated my body. my life. myself.

This kept building until my spiritual awakening hit its climax the night of Zhu at the Van Buren in Phoenix. The full moon was in Taurus that day. (my Sun sign)
That night, I put my big girl pants on, put a pretty face on and got ready to go out with friends.
I found it within myself to push through and find myself again, and I honestly felt an energy I hadn't felt in the longest time coursing through my veins.
I felt powerful. I felt at peace and I was happy.
The night was amazing. A blur of music, new people, dance and friends. I was hopeful for the first time in a while.
Then during one of the songs, seemingly out of nowhere, I felt a white light flood over me.
And I knew.
I cried as I dropped to my knees.
I had always wondered if heaven was real. If God was real.
But, I had no questions anymore.
Before this moment, I had never understood or accepted what true, unconditional love and understanding was. But feeling it wash over me I knew. As all knowing tears streamed down my face like a cleansing, a baptism,
I rose again and was rebirthed into something far greater than myself.
I had found my answer and it was like nothing I had ever felt before.
Feeling the powerful presence of God flood and fill my entire soul gave me the strength to begin again.
Like being touched by an angel, by heaven itself, I was born again.

Once standing, I found myself pulled to Lindsi (my roommate and best friend) and we clutched at each other tears in our eyes, confused and overwhelmed by what we had both experienced as the night around us raged on, seemingly unaware to what had just happened.

After that, we laughed and laughed and enjoyed the rest of the night riding large energetic waves that only grew and grew. We should have known that the night did not end here and that it was building, culminating into something and I think I had to feel God in order to prepare me for what came next as my entire world came crashing down, more intensely and more harshly than all the darkness leading up to this moment combined.
Leaving the venue, I had the hardest ego death I have ever had on our way home. (I have had one more since then more recently, which I will expand on and share another time and link here) but basically, with Lindsi by my side we were driven home clutching each other crying thinking we were going to die. My heart was pounding. My head throbbing. I felt out of control. I couldn’t hold onto or make sense of anything. It was all too much for my little body to contain and I felt myself letting go.

It scared the hell out of me to once again feel so out of control. To see all my choices leading up to this moment flash before my eyes. An ambulance passed us, and I was terrified. I thought it was a sign that it was my time and with my mind spinning a million miles per minute I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped fighting it. And I finally accepted it and surrendered to it.
The funny thing is I found a peace in the darkness and fear. And slowly after that moment things started to fall into place again. I realized I was safe. Even in the darkest depths of fear I was protected. Unharmed and unhurt. Whole. Healed.
I realized here that I was forced to evolve into something better. Change myself. Do things differently.
And it was in the depths of this darkness that I found the light.
And it was here that I found the strength, courage, and trust to start again.
Begin anew.
Differently this time. And like nothing like I had ever known or done before.
And innately I felt myself become better and better.
I felt like I could breathe again.
I felt my soul settle into the stillness of my body.
I felt myself get stronger and stronger.
Changed. Something bigger and better than before.

What I learned through it all is that you can always turn things around.
No matter how far in you are. No matter how lost you are. No matter how bad. No matter how dark.
The moment you decide to surrender, and trust, things begin to turn around.
I never did find out what was causing my physical symptoms. I had turned away from everything. Everyone.
Went inward. Prayed with all my soul for God to save me. To forgive me. To heal me. To make me whole again.
But the funny thing is, I was already saved. I was already forgiven. I was already healed. That I was already the things I wanted and always had been the whole time, I just didn’t see it, just didn’t believe it and just didn’t think deep within my soul that I deserved it. But now I did.
From this, I realized that everything was and always had been my choice.
I had created this. So, I had to get rid of everything I knew and let go of everything I thought I was in order to become a greater version of myself, all together.

Although I still crash and experience storms I am now able to find the stillness, the peace and settle again like the ocean outside me. For life will always have its waves, I'm just better at riding them.
I change forms through different cycles of my life, but I realize I am whole through it all like the moon above me,
And through the ebb and flow of time, of space, of life, I have an innate knowing and faith that I never had before.
Even when life gets hard and I'm confused, lost, and hurt, I know it is for a reason. I surrender and trust rather than fear and fight so that the lessons and things that would have taken me hours, days, weeks, months or years to get over before are cut in half as I learn the lesson far quicker than I used to. I no longer drive myself insane over something I cannot control, I just let go and control what I can, which is me.
This allows me to change and learn and be more self aware rather than choosing to repeat the same choices that kept me in the same pattern and cycle of things I thought I could not get out of.
And now, deep down I know that it is all a part of a bigger picture. That I am a small piece of something so important. We all are.

I am beyond blessed to now see the world how I do now.
I have found God. Within myself. Around me. In you. In me.
And I have found heaven and a home here on Earth.
I no longer feel lost or out of place. I no longer have the feeling of wanting to go home, because I am home. Here. Now. Always. Forever. For all time.

"I used to wonder why I was here, but now I know, I am here to see you home. " (Bruno Major- Home)

As more of us wake up, I know why I had to go through what I did.
Why I had to feel it.
Why I had to see it.
It was a wake up call, so I could finally remember who I was, what I was doing here and then prepare myself for the big change that is coming ahead of us in 2020.
An entire societal reset.
A wake up call for us all.

Although I cannot see into the future, I have trust and faith.
I look towards the future with hope, optimism and love.
And I will always be praying for all of us every single day with my whole heart.
Although I know some of us may not make it as some of us may not be able to handle the depths of our own darkness, the more of us we can wake up and save the better.
So extend your hand whenever you can.
Speak kindness.
Spread love.
Be the light you needed to yourself and all those around you and even when alone you will never be lonely.

Lastly, remember through all the seasons and cycles, the love, the hate, the healing, the hurt, we are all trying. All stumbling. And although some may be further along on the journey towards the center, we are all going no matter how “fast” or “slow”, and we will all arrive on time.
and in the time between now and then, remember you are never alone for I will always be with you.
So thank you for being on this journey with me and reading this far!
I can not wait to see what we can all achieve individually and together as we flip the script and watch as darkness transmutes to light to create an Elysian on Earth.
Welcome home my angels. I love you all.