With the coming of a new decade, I really wanted to reflect back on all the things that have made me into the person I am. I am realizing now more than ever that all of these moments are interconnected, entangled, and are accumulated into what makes me as strong, patient, compassionate, loving, and as empathetic as I am today.  And although the journey here was far from easy and filled with many hard times and heart aches that I thought I would never get through, I did.

Accepting that some things were and are out of my control, I realize what is in my control is my choice to be thankful for all of the feelings, events, memories, and people I have been able to experience in my journey here, both "good" and "bad", both "happy" and "sad", both then and now. This mindset has given me freedom and gratitude that grows deeper and stronger within me each day. Although I still have and feel my fair share of heartache, sadness, anxiety, confusion, anger, and frustration, I am able to step back and look at the bigger picture better and more clearly than I ever have before. Instead of sweating and stressing over the small stuff and getting lost in the storm for long periods of time, I am able to cut through faster, and more easily to see what I am learning and growing by going through it. I am better able to ride the waves and cycles of healing (which are cyclical). So even when it really sucks (which it really does at times) and I have no idea what is going on (truly) or what I am feeling (or where it's even coming from at times), I know and have faith that it is worth it, someway and somehow. I also know that each time I go through something (even when I thought it was done or I was over it) is because I am getting an ever changing but expanding knowledge on these life lessons. And this is something that I was never able to do before because I felt and feel my emotions so intensely that it clouds my logic, intuition and view. So, I am so proud of my little small self that is still standing tall, both sensitive and strong at the same time, through it all, both then and now, and the love, compassion and understanding I have gathered and grown on my whole experience thus far. 

With that, I have decided to reflect back on the decade to really remember and recognize my journey over this past decade. I do not however have the best memory so certain things stand out more so than others (specifically the really happy times, and the really sad times), and other times I have no clue where I was, but it definitely wasn't here so there are some huge gaps and blurs in my memory and journey. I think that during these times, I got so lost, so hurt, so confused, and so tired, it was easier to numb myself and go through the motions mindlessly rather than with awareness. Ultimately, I was not ready to face and feel the full extent of what my emotions were telling me, so I shut them down and silenced them. For all the times I have been consciously aware, I have also been subconsciously and consciously asleep, I was not ready to see. Due to that, these series of posts and reflections will be extremely contrasting to one another, after all we are the balance of light and dark within our soul and it is in struggling, accepting and loving these dual parts of ourselves that makes us authentic, whole and who we are, so here I go! 

2010: 

​Although I had amazing friends and made so many fun memories (track, and band camp for example, I played clarinet from 4th-12th grade), it was middle school and it was in these years, like most, that I really started to look at myself, and others and most specifically myself in relation to others.  Instead of seeing similarities that connected us, I saw differences that separated us and instead of embracing them, I disliked them, especially within myself. Before this, it never really bugged me that I was pretty much one of like four Asians in my hometown of Kenosha, Wisconsin. To be honest, I didn't really notice. After all, when you are a kid you do not know the biases or the divisions among people, you just love who you love, and you just play with all (the only criteria really being that they were nice/fun to be around). But along the way, you learn and look at things differently.

I remember in Elementary school, I was confident (almost too confident to the point of cockiness, I knew, accepted and loved that the boys, girls, and teachers all loved me). Things came easily to me. I got what I wanted. I paved the way (I even started the tradition at my Elementary school where a 5th grader does the morning announcements, and teachers sent me to the teachers' lounge all the time for different things because I was reliable and hard working) and I loved being there at the top and being regarded as such. Although I was never consciously cruel or mean, I tried to be nice and attentive to everyone, I was a little conceited, and that caused me to unconsciously hurt people at times. I often utilized other's opinion of me to my best advantage. For example, I packed lunch everyday and never had to carry the lunch basket even though I was one of the only few kids with a packed lunch because I just had one of the boys do it lol. So, by the time I reached 5th grade I did know one thing for sure: I loved being the center of attention, and I knew how to command it. I would often put myself in it eagerly (must be my libra rising haha). At lunch, being one of the only Asians at my school I was often asked what I was eating since my Mom packed my lunch for me everyday (she used to make super cute bento boxes for me, for example with nori and rice she made Jack the skeleton's face). Truthfully, I was almost always waiting for someone to ask or look. And when someone did ask (like I knew they would), I was always eager to share with not only them, but everyone around them as well. When people loved what they were eating, it made me super happy to have them expand their horizons and try something they were initially hesitant about. And, even if they disliked it (which was not very often), I was still happy they were open enough to try it and learn. I could also handle the rejection easily and humorously realizing the space and separation between the two (myself and my food). I knew it had nothing to say about me, and everything about that person's own likes and dislikes which were different than mine, which was okay. And just because they disliked something I had, it did not mean they disliked me! If anything, being accepting of these differences only made people like me more.

However, in Middle school that all changed. I'm not sure when it happened or what made it change maybe a accumulation of things, but I was self conscious and insecure. I didn't want the extra attention my food got me anymore because I felt like I already stood out, and not in a good way. I begged my mom not to give me food that would draw people's focus on me, even though I loved my food (shout out to my Taurus taste lol). I didn't want to be seen as different especially when I felt I already was. I was pretty much the only brunette with dark skin and dark hair on my body among the girls of my friend group who all mostly had blonde hair,fair skin and peach fuzz. Although I did have a few friends who had dark hair like me, they weren't Asian (they were Mexican or white) and I wanted nothing more than to be the same as the other girls around me. I cannot tell you the amount of times I wished I had light hair and light skin and I could not and did not celebrate my darkness (which ironically is a lesson I learned physically then, but now have been learning emotionally and spiritually  in depth this past year).

I remember being so insecure that if someone laughed, I automatically assumed they were laughing at me. Looking back now it makes sense I thought the way I did. I now know that at this age the world really does revolve around you and how you see the world is how you think others see it too, so it was easy to take things personally even when they were not directed at me. Being so hyper focused on myself, I automatically assumed that others had that same critical lens on myself and saw me the way I did, and I didn't like what I saw. And that critical lens I wore looking at myself really filtered my whole world perception.

I remember not only struggling with the relationship with myself, but also struggling with my relationship with my mother during this time as well. Coming from an Asian lineage the way they show care is by showing you how to be better and she was extra attentive to me and the things I did, so what was love and care from her point of view, was just criticism in my perspective. Comments that I could not handle when I already criticized and commented on myself in my own mind all the time. Furthermore, Asians are not traditionally the most affectionate, physically or emotionally. I now know that physical affection is one of my main love languages, so this was something I really struggled with because even though I knew she loved me so much, I never really got it in the way I wanted or needed most then. There was always a disconnect between knowing she loved me, but also feeling like she didn't because of our two very different and contrasting ways of expressing love. I wanted to receive love from her in a way that did not come naturally to her and when love didn't come in the ways I expected,  I couldn't see the ways she did express it. I did not see that the way she treated me was her showing her love in the only way she knew how, and I could not accept this as love because it wasn't the way that I showed love. I remember wanting to be and feel closer to her, but not knowing how because it felt like when I tried, I only got further away. I remember wanting hugs all the time (I am very much like my father in this way; he calls me his hug bug) and she would brush me off and say she was busy or doing something. The ways that I expressed love were not ways that she welcomed love either or felt comfortable with, so when I showed love, it felt as if it was rejected.  I felt as if I was rejected.  That separation I had before, blurred and merged into one.  Now, if someone did not like an action of mine, it meant they didn't like me. This led to resentment and frustration because we knew what we both felt (love) but did not know how to communicate this to each other. We gave it to each other in the way we wanted to receive it. And we didn't receive it, because that was not how we gave it. Now looking back, I am certain she felt the same way towards me because often times the things that we struggle with are reflected and amplified in each other, especially the ones we love most. And when you want each other's love the most but have expectations and are not accepting of people, who they are and the different ways of being and acting, it is hard, and it is painful. When you want love but feel like you can not get it in the way you want it, you can become so consumed in your hurt you overlook theirs. You are so lost in your efforts, you do not see theirs. Often times, we are one of the biggest blocks in receiving and communicating our love to one another, but I didn't see it then. Not even close. Not for a long time. I could not wait to move out. And I told her all the time.

This tension (both internally and externally) was amplified further because my dad was not living with us at the time. My dad is in the Navy (and has been now for over 20 years) and was stationed elsewhere as was what you call a geographical bachelor. At one point, it got so bad between my mom and I that my mom wanted only me (out of my 3 siblings) to live with my dad where he was stationed. This hurt me a lot. The one person I wanted most, didn't want me. What I didn't realize then was that it is often easier to push away or run away from the things that hurt you but can make you grow when you actually sit down and face them. We both couldn't face each other. 

My parents were married and still are, but geographically they were separate because my parents decided to keep us in Wisconsin for school. They didn't want to uproot us again (I had gone to 3 different elementary schools) and my older sister had really struggled transitioning middle schools. So my mother and I were forced to face each other and communicate even when we were hurt, because we had to to get things done, but we struggled bad through it all and for many years. Even for my dad, who I felt like I naturally communicated very well with, I could not communicate with because it felt as if so much time and space had elapsed between when we saw each other, I did not even know where to start, so I didn't.

Looking back, I think when you are little you do not realize the traumas and humanness of your parents. You think they are perfect and they do not show you their struggles or weakness. They don't talk about it. So you don't either. This can can be hard to understand (especially as an unaware empath) because you feel them anyways.  But they were only trying to protect you from the worst parts of themselves because they felt like you deserved better. But like all things the inner affects the outer, and the outer affects the inner, no matter how much you try to contain it. And sometimes in trying to save us, they don't save themselves, and in turn they don't save anyone. But they didn't see that then either, they were only doing what they thought would save you, it didn't matter they weren't saving themselves until they had to, to save you too.
As I get older I realize my mom tried the best she could, and she really really tried. She gave it everything she had, all the time, each day. Even when she probably didn't want to, even when she felt like she probably couldn't. And I am so proud of her. And I am so thankful for her. I also realize now more than ever that I am my mother's daughter. I used to think I was so like my dad, but I'm beginning to think I'm a lot more like my mother. I catch myself in the midst of a lot of things that are so much like her. Like a ripple in a pond, she's touched me in more ways that she or I can possibly know. We are small parts of the same. Two droplets from the same rain, different in shape but alike in what they are made of. And I know it goes both ways. We wouldn't be who we are without each other, and for that I love me, and I love her.
Our relationship now is better and closer than ever, she is my favorite hiking, picture opportunist, and exploration buddy, and I could not imagine life without her. We've both grown a lot over the years. We understand ourselves, each other and others in a way we did not before and she is one of the most strongest, loving, and patient people I know and I am so blessed to call her my mother. I am so proud to be her daughter and I know that we chose each other for a reason, to grow, to learn, and to love through the pain, the laughter, the anger, the joy, and all. She has showed me what it means to love someone for who they are and to be open to the many different ways of showing love.

And although this time period was one of the hardest things I've been through, it made me who I am today.  I love because I know what it feels like to not feel loved.  I am compassionate because I know what it is like to not be and I certainly wasn't towards my mother at all who was basically raising us all alone with my dad being on deployment often too (we ended up living separately from my dad for 6 years and by the time we lived together, I was heading away to college). I am humble because I was cocky and life showed me what it was like to be humbled. I am patient because I know what it is like to be impatient. I am open because I know what is is like to be closed off. I am confident because I know what it is like to hate yourself.  I choose not to judge because I have judged. I appreciate family and the time I have with them because I have felt what it is like to not have them around (physically or emotionally). I accept and love my differences (no matter how different it may be from others or even past versions of myself) because I have felt what it feels like to try to hide or run from them. I am proud of myself because I have felt what it feels like to be ashamed of myself. And I choose to love myself, I choose to love, I choose to be compassionate, I choose to be patient, I choose to be open, I choose to be humble, I choose to love all differences, I choose to be proud of myself, even when it is hard, even when I don't want to or feel like I can't. Human beings after are all constantly changing, and personally for me, I have always gone from one extreme to the next until I finally find a sense of balance between all the chaos that allows me to change and understand both sides all the better. And in going through all these extreme changes it gave me the choice to choose differently. 

Eye see you and eye see your struggle, as eye have been there too.

Lost. Demotivated. Hurt. Angry. Sad. Weak. Anxious. Depressed. Numb. Scared. Dying. Crying. Screaming. Confused. Dead. Dead. Dead.
Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why?
These are the words and feelings that scare us as a collective, as people, as individuals. We avoid them at all costs.
We do not talk about them. We do not explore them and we certainly do not confront them. Not for ourselves, and certainly not for others.

Often times, I know that we feel that these are the words and feelings that keep us from accepting ourselves and others.
From loving ourselves and others. From understanding ourselves and others.
How can I be happy when I also feel this way?
How can I love myself when I feel that these feelings are wrong? Something to be ashamed of. Something to be afraid of. Something to hide. Something to ignore.
How can I understand myself when I do not know where these feelings come from?
If I can’t do it, how could anyone else understand or love me?
If you are happy it must mean you don’t feel these things, right?
If you love yourself it must mean you don’t feel these things, right?
Wrong.

Because it is about acknowledging these parts of yourself, accepting these parts of yourself and loving these parts of yourself in order to understand yourself and be happy and at peace within yourself. Even now. Even through it. Even in spite of it all.

For it is only when we feel like we can't face it, acknowledge it, or accept it as part of who we are that causes so many people to feel lost, alone, and broken in a world that does not understand them, when in reality, it is you who does not even understand yourself, and it is through all these feelings that your soul is crying, screaming, shaking you to find out.

So, what if instead of running from them, we ran towards them?
What if we sat at the root of our fear, our self loathing, our self pity?
And what if we nurtured and hugged the most broken and hurt parts of ourselves?
Instead of hiding. Ignoring. Denying?
Would we be so scared to face these feelings, if we understood the root of them? The real purpose of them?

For most times, all these feelings stem from unresolved traumas and experiences that we feel we do not have the strength to go through. Traumas and experiences we have buried so deep that we do not even really remember them. But while the subconscious may do a great job at burying them, the unconscious will always remember. Like a smooth, calm river, that has strong, raging undercurrents underneath,
we all stay at the surface, running, floating, skimming, until the current catches us and pulls us in deep, whether we want to or not, whether we feel ready or not. And when that happens, we fight it, tiring ourselves out, instead of surrendering to it, and realizing that the less you fight, the more likely you are to resurface again. For it is in this great irony we find true peace.
And it is through all these feelings that we find the path to our true selves.
But we fight them, we run from them, we are scared to go down them, to go into them, afraid we may not come back out.
Afraid we are going to lose ourselves. But perhaps that's the way.
To lose yourself. To fall apart, in order for it all to come back together differently? Changed?
For often times, it is when you sit in your darkness, and you allow yourself to break, that the light finally is able to come through the cracks and rebuild you anew.

These are the words and feelings that stem from fear and pain, and it is something we all feel at one point or another, no matter how hard we try to protect or control ourselves. After all, we are spirit having a human experience, all just trying to grow through it all as we go through it all. And sometimes it really hurts. And sometimes it really sucks. But what I've realized is sometimes we do not know why something happens, especially in the midst of it, but if you go through it, you will find the strength, love, clarity and understanding that you never you knew you had in you or would ever find. And if you keep going, keep trying, keep trusting, even when honestly there is times you do not want to, you will find the light and understand once more.

And most ironically, perhaps that is the purpose of it all.
For what the universe will do is send triggers, in the form of different packages: events, people, places, experiences in order to teach you the same lesson that you keep pushing away.. Each one bigger than the last, in the hopes that you will finally open it and appreciate it for what it is.
So yeah, sometimes things don't go your way. Sometimes people will talk about you. Sometimes people will leave you. Sometimes you will lose your job. Sometimes people won't understand you. Sometimes people will hate you. No matter how hard you try. And it will confuse you. And it will hurt you. And it will make you angry. And it will make you all of these things and feel all of these things.
And you will even question why you try? Why this happens? Why you?
How can I be happy with all this happening around and within me? How can I be at peace? How can I be comfortable?
It's like life pushes and pushes. Adds more pressure, adds more stress, more sadness, more anger.
And this will paralyzes your soul. Do I deserve this? What am I supposed to get from this?
And then when it all becomes too much, when you feel like you can handle no more, you let go, and in doing so you let in.

For it is in the depths of darkness and in fear we learn who we really are.
How strong we are. How infinite we are. How loving we are. In a situation we thought would end us.
In a situation we thought we would never get through. In a situation we never saw coming. We do.
And it is in going through it and growing through it, that you learn the ebb an flow of life. the cycles. the doors closing to open another. the redirection. the realignment.
And you will finally come out of the dark night of the soul, different, changed, but softer and more sure of yourself somehow.
For you have weathered the storm, become the storm, then found silence and stillness within it all.

​And this is a process we are all going through. In different forms. In different packages. In different lessons.

And there's a lot of these moments that will come up through your life.
You will feel solid and strong, til something or someone comes up again that knocks the breath out of you and throws you into the depths of your shadows once more.
For healing is a circle.
You go forward, and then something throws you back into something you thought you were over. And then you come back again.
But each time, you get stronger, you get a better understanding of it, a different perspective, and you know and understand yourself more.
For that is where the quote fall seven times, stand up eight rings true.
Each time you fall, the easier it gets.
And each time you can pick yourself up with compassion and grace, the easier it is to extend this empathy to others, as they go through that particular stage of being human.

For myself, I know my spiritual awakening was not something I could talk about for the longest time, because I personally didn't even know what happened or what I experienced, or even the purpose of it all. I know for a period of time, I felt like I was irrational. Crazy even.
I didn't understand my feelings. My fears. My worries. My struggles. But I just kept running. Kept avoiding. Until I couldn't avoid it anymore.
Until I couldn't run anymore.
It got to the point that If i closed my eyes, I was afraid I wouldn't wake up. I had to face it no matter how scary it was.
It needed me to.
And I think this was my body's way of screaming at me its mortality. How much it needs me. How much I need it.
How much it needed me to change. How much I needed it to change.
And it was in learning the weaknesses and mortality of my body that I realized how much I love it and how much I should nurture it as the sacred vessel it is for my spirit in this current time and place.
In facing it, I can now address the lack, the hurt, the imbalance, and send love and acceptance to it.
I can go to it and grow.
I can change it, and it can change me.
For where your energy goes, energy flows.
And so I did that. I changed it. And although my body is still going through changes that I still am trying to figure out [I've been struggling with digestive issues for a long time] it has gotten better, and even though sometimes it spirals back, I know I am on the right path, to healing, to hope, to health.

Emotionally too, I've come a long ways. But, I still face my storms that leave me shaking at the core too.
Less frequent for sure, but no lesser in terms of how much they hurt me. But, I do know I get through them quicker now, easier now.
Recently, I went through intense hurt when I tried to change and control others' reactions to me. I thought if I spoke to them and told them my side they would understand how much they've hurt me. Instead I just got more hurt projected onto me. Cruel words. Shutting down and unacknowledged feelings. More blame.
But I said my peace, apologized for what I did and what the situation brought in me (I am by no means a perfect person either) and received my peace, even in the midst of no closure and more pain.
And what I've realized through this most recent storm that I've been learning for a while, but now understand more than ever, is that hurt people hurt others. We've all been guilty of doing this at one point or another. And we all do it to varying degrees. And most times we do not even see the effects of our actions until much later, when it is done onto us. So I understand where they are coming from, I've been there too, but I also know that I do not have to take it. I do not have to sit through it. And what is best for me and for them, is to burn the bridge that allows them to keep crossing it. To keep hurting me. To keep speaking badly to me. To keep projecting at me.
And in forgiving them, even when they do not ask for it, or think they need it, I save myself.
But that does not mean I have stopped loving them or caring about them.
Only that I love and care about myself more to let them continue to treat me that way.
And that sometimes what is best for both parties is to just send that love and energy from afar.
For they will always still receive it, no matter how much space and time separates you.

I think it is important to know that people are always working from their current perspective.
So can we hate or get mad at them when they cannot even see it or face it themselves?
In forgiving and loving someone who does not even know how to love me or forgive someone has shown me true strength and love, because often times it means they do not love or forgive themselves (I have been there too)
I know that often times I see the love and light people do not even see in themselves, let alone another person.
But I do now acknowledge their darkness too. We all have it.
I see it more than ever. And although it hasn't made me love them any less, it does make me realize that sometimes it is best to just let go
so that they can no longer consume your light, and leave you in darkness too.
And that has been one of my hardest lessons. To know I can't save everyone. No matter how hard I try.
I can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

And to let go, without feeling like I am giving up on them, or maybe most importantly myself because I somehow feel like it is my responsibility to do it for them. To make them see. To make them know. When it never has been, and it never will be.
And to let them go knowing they will always see you as the bad person. The horrible person. But knowing that your hurt is only a small sliver of how hurt they truly are. For how they see you, and how they treat you, is a small glimmer of how they treat themselves, alone and in the dark, and how that has everything to say about them, and nothing about myself.
I have learned to let go of my expectations. Knowing that how I treat others, is not always how I will be treated.
But to not let that ever change how I treat others. And to keep trying in spite of that. To keep loving.
To keep trusting. But with more knowledge of when to let go and when to hold on.

So with that, do not let the hurt of others make your heart hard, no matter how easy it is to do or how much you may want to.
Just understand and know that spiritual struggles are different for everyone as everyone's ego bucks differently and we all have different things to learn and master.
For the whole world is changing. We are changing. You are changing.
We all go through cycles of healing, and of hurt. But instead of looking at it from a why me perspective? Start looking at it from a what can I learn from this?
And you will find gratitude for all the ebb and flows of life.
The good, the bad. The dark, the light. The broken, the whole. Within and without yourself, within and without others.

And most importantly, know that you cannot control others and you certainly cannot change others.
But what you can do is control yourself and change yourself.
So through it all, focus on you, do your part and work within then trust that the rest will fall into place outside and around you.
For if you keep doing everything out of love you can never be wrong.
No matter how bad people want to paint you as something you know you are not, you know and create your own life canvas.
It is your choice to change. To control yourself. To create yourself anew from even the worst experiences.

And all the while, make sure to surround yourself with people who see you for you. Not what they want to see, not what they want you to be.
Surround yourself with people who love all of you, even the parts you have a hard time loving.
Be with others that make life easier, not harder, those that support you rather than criticize you.
(After all, we all already criticize and hurt ourselves enough. So why add that pain and hurt to others.)
And if you have no one like that in your life right now, know that it is better to be alone instead of taking the pain and hurt of others on top of yours until they come, and they will come. Attracted to your light. Your energy. Your love.

Life is hard, but it is beautiful.
So love it all: life, yourself, others, the world, the seen, the unseen, the heard, the unheard. And have faith in all.
Stay soft, stay golden, and be kind, in a world that tries so hard to make you hard.

And know that no matter how broken you feel right now. No matter how confused you are right now. No matter how lost you are.
You will always find your way.
And I am proud to walk this journey with you.

Looking back, so much has changed within a year. Friends, family, work, life, relationships, me.
Although it has been some of the hardest and scariest moments of my life, I would not change it for anything.

Starting a year ago I was forced to dive deep into my subconscious to discover and clear different parts of myself that I had almost forgotten about and buried so deep within myself. But no matter how much you try to get rid of it, it will always begin to emerge. Like a collection of trauma that begins to explode and overflow until at some point all you can do is just surrender to it. Like a boat full of holes, you can plug the holes, but as more holes start to appear and the water starts to flood in, at some point you have to just accept what is, let yourself go, and dive into the depths of the waters and into the dark unknown.

Goldrush 2019 in Arizona at Rawhide triggered a series of events and a couple of months of lost, consuming darkness.
Everything was falling apart.
My relationship. My health. My sanity.
I was never raised religious. I didn't believe in God. I said I was an atheist.
But when you have no one and nothing to hold onto anymore, we all tend to surrender and cry out to something higher than ourselves. Something bigger than ourselves.

Although, I definitely had moments at the beginning where I would find clarity, I would lose myself again.
I would feel myself spiraling again.
Grasping at nothing. Unsure of who to call out to.
I felt like I was going crazy. I didn't know what to believe.
I was scared of everything. People, places, events, but most importantly myself.
I was running around in darkness. Living life as a blur.
Doing the same things, seeing the same things, like I was trapped and I couldn't find my way out.
It was almost like living life with my eyes closed and once my eyes had been opened, I could not turn back.
I could not unsee what I saw.

During this time, I went to doctor after doctor. No one could tell me any answers.
I had a rash that started in my armpits and spread to my fingers.
My weight dropped to 92 lbs. My liver results were abnormal then fine the next.
My body was dying. My soul was dying. I was dying.
A constant:
"I think it might be this."
"I'm not sure, it could be this."
"It's probably not that."
"I thought that too, but it doesn't quite look like anything I've ever seen."
And to have doctors hypothesize with you, and honestly tell you they had no idea, and that their guess was as good as yours, is a terrifying place to be.

Growing up, I would cry at the thought of darkness, of eternal death and this fear never went away as I got older.
(But it was always out of sight, out of mind, if I didn't think about it, I was okay)
But this time, I couldn't avoid it.
As I felt my body give out on me I went to sleep every night praying to a God I said I didn't believe in.
And every night for about 2-3 months I went to sleep, and didn't think I would wake up.
I would fight sleep. Terrified. And finally I would succumb to it.
I would always wake up with a start in the morning, so scared to open my eyes and possibly not recognize where I was.
But, it was always my same old familiar bedroom, and I would cry, clutching my sheets, holding my small body so thankful that I had made it through the night.
It was like I felt so out of place. So lost. Like my body and soul was rejecting everything that I had been.
And I was so worried I was too late.
That I couldn't turn back time.
Couldn't take it back.

I would say my life was leading up to a spiritual awakening for months. Bad habits. Bad decisions. Ignoring. Burying. Hiding. Running. The faster I ran, the harder it came. Eventually, I had to just stop, tired. Exhausted. My body couldn't do it anymore.
It couldn't keep up with the life I was living.
For a good while, I was like a walking shell of a human. I looked like a skeleton. I felt dead.
I was lost. Confused. Stumbling in the dark. I didn't know my way out.
I went to class. But I sat there, crying, dying in the inside, wondering how I could just sit here, when nothing felt normal.
I felt out of place within my own body. I couldn't even find a home within myself. I felt like I was being pushed out.
I hated my body. my life. myself.

This kept building until my spiritual awakening hit its climax the night of Zhu at the Van Buren in Phoenix. The full moon was in Taurus that day. (my Sun sign)
That night, I put my big girl pants on, put a pretty face on and got ready to go out with friends.
I found it within myself to push through and find myself again, and I honestly felt an energy I hadn't felt in the longest time coursing through my veins.
I felt powerful. I felt at peace and I was happy.
The night was amazing. A blur of music, new people, dance and friends. I was hopeful for the first time in a while.
Then during one of the songs, seemingly out of nowhere, I felt a white light flood over me.
And I knew.
I cried as I dropped to my knees.
I had always wondered if heaven was real. If God was real.
But, I had no questions anymore.
Before this moment, I had never understood or accepted what true, unconditional love and understanding was. But feeling it wash over me I knew. As all knowing tears streamed down my face like a cleansing, a baptism,
I rose again and was rebirthed into something far greater than myself.
I had found my answer and it was like nothing I had ever felt before.
Feeling the powerful presence of God flood and fill my entire soul gave me the strength to begin again.
Like being touched by an angel, by heaven itself, I was born again.

Once standing, I found myself pulled to Lindsi (my roommate and best friend) and we clutched at each other tears in our eyes, confused and overwhelmed by what we had both experienced as the night around us raged on, seemingly unaware to what had just happened.

After that, we laughed and laughed and enjoyed the rest of the night riding large energetic waves that only grew and grew. We should have known that the night did not end here and that it was building, culminating into something and I think I had to feel God in order to prepare me for what came next as my entire world came crashing down, more intensely and more harshly than all the darkness leading up to this moment combined.
Leaving the venue, I had the hardest ego death I have ever had on our way home. (I have had one more since then more recently, which I will expand on and share another time and link here) but basically, with Lindsi by my side we were driven home clutching each other crying thinking we were going to die. My heart was pounding. My head throbbing. I felt out of control. I couldn’t hold onto or make sense of anything. It was all too much for my little body to contain and I felt myself letting go.

It scared the hell out of me to once again feel so out of control. To see all my choices leading up to this moment flash before my eyes. An ambulance passed us, and I was terrified. I thought it was a sign that it was my time and with my mind spinning a million miles per minute I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped fighting it. And I finally accepted it and surrendered to it.
The funny thing is I found a peace in the darkness and fear. And slowly after that moment things started to fall into place again. I realized I was safe. Even in the darkest depths of fear I was protected. Unharmed and unhurt. Whole. Healed.
I realized here that I was forced to evolve into something better. Change myself. Do things differently.
And it was in the depths of this darkness that I found the light.
And it was here that I found the strength, courage, and trust to start again.
Begin anew.
Differently this time. And like nothing like I had ever known or done before.
And innately I felt myself become better and better.
I felt like I could breathe again.
I felt my soul settle into the stillness of my body.
I felt myself get stronger and stronger.
Changed. Something bigger and better than before.

What I learned through it all is that you can always turn things around.
No matter how far in you are. No matter how lost you are. No matter how bad. No matter how dark.
The moment you decide to surrender, and trust, things begin to turn around.
I never did find out what was causing my physical symptoms. I had turned away from everything. Everyone.
Went inward. Prayed with all my soul for God to save me. To forgive me. To heal me. To make me whole again.
But the funny thing is, I was already saved. I was already forgiven. I was already healed. That I was already the things I wanted and always had been the whole time, I just didn’t see it, just didn’t believe it and just didn’t think deep within my soul that I deserved it. But now I did.
From this, I realized that everything was and always had been my choice.
I had created this. So, I had to get rid of everything I knew and let go of everything I thought I was in order to become a greater version of myself, all together.

Although I still crash and experience storms I am now able to find the stillness, the peace and settle again like the ocean outside me. For life will always have its waves, I'm just better at riding them.
I change forms through different cycles of my life, but I realize I am whole through it all like the moon above me,
And through the ebb and flow of time, of space, of life, I have an innate knowing and faith that I never had before.
Even when life gets hard and I'm confused, lost, and hurt, I know it is for a reason. I surrender and trust rather than fear and fight so that the lessons and things that would have taken me hours, days, weeks, months or years to get over before are cut in half as I learn the lesson far quicker than I used to. I no longer drive myself insane over something I cannot control, I just let go and control what I can, which is me.
This allows me to change and learn and be more self aware rather than choosing to repeat the same choices that kept me in the same pattern and cycle of things I thought I could not get out of.
And now, deep down I know that it is all a part of a bigger picture. That I am a small piece of something so important. We all are.

I am beyond blessed to now see the world how I do now.
I have found God. Within myself. Around me. In you. In me.
And I have found heaven and a home here on Earth.
I no longer feel lost or out of place. I no longer have the feeling of wanting to go home, because I am home. Here. Now. Always. Forever. For all time.

"I used to wonder why I was here, but now I know, I am here to see you home. " (Bruno Major- Home)

As more of us wake up, I know why I had to go through what I did.
Why I had to feel it.
Why I had to see it.
It was a wake up call, so I could finally remember who I was, what I was doing here and then prepare myself for the big change that is coming ahead of us in 2020.
An entire societal reset.
A wake up call for us all.

Although I cannot see into the future, I have trust and faith.
I look towards the future with hope, optimism and love.
And I will always be praying for all of us every single day with my whole heart.
Although I know some of us may not make it as some of us may not be able to handle the depths of our own darkness, the more of us we can wake up and save the better.
So extend your hand whenever you can.
Speak kindness.
Spread love.
Be the light you needed to yourself and all those around you and even when alone you will never be lonely.

Lastly, remember through all the seasons and cycles, the love, the hate, the healing, the hurt, we are all trying. All stumbling. And although some may be further along on the journey towards the center, we are all going no matter how “fast” or “slow”, and we will all arrive on time.
and in the time between now and then, remember you are never alone for I will always be with you.
So thank you for being on this journey with me and reading this far!
I can not wait to see what we can all achieve individually and together as we flip the script and watch as darkness transmutes to light to create an Elysian on Earth.
Welcome home my angels. I love you all.

1. Unhealthy habits and patterns: non-organic foods, not working out, irregular sleep schedule, stressing and worrying over things I can't control, thinking worse case scenario

1. You are on the right path. Just follow your heart and the world will create itself around the vision you picture and the energy you embody. Believe in yourself. You are capable of everything and more.
​
​2. You are constantly evolving and you are more than your past mistakes. Learn to let it go. Be gentle and forgive yourself and most importantly BREATHE (through it) and then BREATHE (it out).  It is okay to reflect in order to learn, but you can not dwell or live in the past. (or even the future) The past is what leads to the present, and the present is what builds the future.  So be present. This is it. And most importantly, love every second of your life because we live and die in each moment. 

1. empathetic

2. reader/learner and teacher
​
​3. writer 

1. Being outside in nature, feeling the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair, and my bare feet on the ground.

2. Having people feel safe and comfortable to be who they are around me: to share things they are excited about or even afraid about.

3. Being around those I love.
​
​4. Reading books. (If you have any book recommendations, send them my way!)

1. My parents
2. Aika
3. Erika
4. Xander
5. Alex
​6. Lindsi

I am beyond blessed to have so much love around me. They are a part of myself, and I could not imagine my life without them. They push me to be something greater than myself and I can not wait to see how we all continue to grow independently and together.

1. Take a bath: candles, bath bombs, flowers, music, lights.
2. Dance it out.
3. Paint
4. Write
5. Meditate/listen to music
6. Yoga
​7. Be outside in nature

1. Feeling my heart swell and my cheeks hurting from smiling so much
2. Belly laughs
3. Quotes
4. Seeing others succeed and grow
5. Being creative/ seeing people create
6. Being around those I love: friends, family, nature, animals
7. When you see a student grow and understand a new concept/ offer insightful perspective/ express gratitude and kindness towards others
8. Feeling someone beam and radiate with joy and love

1. The world- Mama Gaia the world around us, and within each one of us is so stunningly beautiful, thoughtfully (and lovingly) created it makes me want to cry
2. The time period/where I was born (technology, running water, electricity) It definitely does have its pros and cons, but it depends on your perspective and how you use them!
3. God/universe/higher self/spirit guides/angels/ancestors
4. When people open up and express themselves and are comfortable working through their trauma with you
5. Alex Rose
6. Imagination and dreaming- everything first started as a simple idea in someone's head (they simply just turned the mental to a physical reality)
7. Self-love
8. Inner growth, clarity and awareness
9. My ability to help others

1. How deeply I love (myself, others, the world, everything, everyone) We are ONE.
2. How much I try to understand myself and others
3. Being open to new perspectives (Jodi Picoult is my favorite author if that is any indicator. If you haven't read any of her books she writes a chapter from different character POVs even the most challenging ones you thought you would never be able to see or understand and it is something I always found super fascinating and refreshing)
4. I am giving
5. I am always learning and growing
6. I work hard but also know when to relax and rest
7. I pray for the success of others and lend support when I can
8. My ability to see the good in people/what they are working on/through
9. How I am able to give clarity to people
​10. My trust and faith in myself and the universe/god

With that, I hope you are able to use my journaling towards self-discovery as a starting point to your own journey  in finding + expressing your true, authentic self.

So with that here I AM...
I AM...a daughter.
I AM...a sister.
I AM...a friend.
I AM…a teacher. (Edit- I taught in a traditional middle school for 2 years from August 2019- May 2021. I am now stepping into and exploring myself as a spiritual teacher.) 
I AM...a student. (Edit- Although I am now graduated- I will forever consider myself a student of life!) 
I AM...a barista. (Edit- I am no longer working at a coffee shop- but I am so happy to have coffee making as a learned skill set in this life! I would love to one day open up my own coffee shop!)
I AM...a writer.
I AM...an artist.
I AM...a photographer.
I AM… a dancer.
I AM… a trailblazer.
I AM... a nature enthusiast.
I AM... a water lover.
​I AM... hardworking.​
I AM... infinite.
I AM... valuable.
I AM... considerate.
I AM... funny.
I AM... supportive.
I AM... giving.
I AM... kind.
I AM... loyal.
​I AM... learning.
I AM...a force of justice.
I AM...conscientious.
​I AM... accepting.
I AM… grateful.
I AM... musical.
I AM… blessed.
I AM… happy.
I AM… peaceful.
I AM… a listener.
I AM… aware.
I AM...creative.
I AM...loving.
I AM… love.
I AM...loved.
I AM...light.
I AM...passionate.
I AM...guided.
I AM...a guide.
I AM...spiritual.
I AM...empathetic.
I AM... inviting.
I AM...patient.
I AM... genuine.
​I AM... intuitive.
I AM...kind.
I AM... caring.
I AM...brave.
I AM...intelligent.
I AM...balanced.
I AM...strong.
I AM… a planner.
I AM... wild.
I AM... fun.
I AM... exciting.
I AM... open.
I AM... honest.
I AM… organized.
I AM...powerful.
I AM... divine.
I AM... magical.
I AM... infinite.
I AM... deserving.
I AM... understanding.
I AM...playful.
I AM...present
I AM...the creator of my own future.

Goals and intentions:
I AM... resourceful.
I AM... innovative.
​I AM... patient.
I AM... an entrepreneur
I AM... transforming.
I AM... a survivor.
I AM...healthy.
I AM...spontaneous.
I AM...grounded.
I AM...abundant.
I AM... a cook.
​I AM... a healer.​
I AM... a gardener.
I AM...a mother.
I AM...a world traveler.
I AM...a land-owner.
I AM...an author.
I AM...a wife.
I AM...a grandma.
I AM...a great grandma.
I AM… world change.

Everything I want, I already have and am. So, here’s to channeling our inner gods and goddesses each and every day as we harness our “I AM” energy to create heaven (Elysian) on earth, or the world and life we envision.

To a shared collectively brighter and more loving future both for ourselves and all others.
Many blessings ✞✞✞ and much love always,

Elysian on Earth ☽